# iced;

Saturday, September 15, 2007

torn into pieces, 1:53 PM

two weekends ago, you told me the 'truth'
of all the people in the world to be telling me this..
my life is so hectic where sometimes, i feel i cant do this anymore..
i understand that others had worse than mine..
its definitely not easy to think positive..
for all that have happened, i couldnt think straight anymore..
you have hit me badly..
the only amazing thing here is, i never thought of suicidal..
never thought of transforming..
all im thinking now is revamp..
a lot and i really mean alot of things i had to revamp with so little time..
and of course the last thing i ever want to do..

i shouldnt be so faithful..
i should have been unfaithful..
i should have flirt around..
just like many girls i know..
should have wink eyes back at those surgeons.. oh! but that wont happen.. im tense during surgeries.. its life we are handling everyday..
yeah! im handling people's life everyday and i cant even cope my own now..
thats a very sad thing..
everything is so out of control..

each day im looking at this man, he is like a total stranger..
i dont know you anymore.. its so hard to register..
you waited nicely for me to graduate, to start that career and you wanted to leave..
im so terrific at your amazing plans..
and im just sooo angry with myself for allowing all these to happen..
to even allowed you to enter my life time after time..
it never fail to hurt me inside out..
i just want to shut down..
i dont want to meet people for the time being..
it hurts when people start asking, 'how is he?'
and i had to say, 'we are in a very complicated zone.' and i laughed..
i wish i could say, 'oh! we are doing excellent. thanks for asking.'

very well, i hate this life im going through..
ive got no confidence.. zalifa walking around with no confidence.. so unlikely..
i always know what i want.. what i want to become.. who i want want to be..
im ambitious..
but not anymore..
its ripping me apart..
i hope you are not influenced by many factors..

at work, its so hard to concentrate..
Dawn kept telling me if you cant concentrate, let me do the case. i dont want them to scold you.
for how long is she going to cover up for me..
i cant do this to her either..

4 years can mean nothing to somebody..
but this 4 years is meaningful to me..
how can anybody else knows how meaningful it is if you're not in it..
i wish i can just hit some really great man and get married and not having to got through all these 'meeting the wrong man first' it sucks.. it sucks big time..
lucky enough im not into this married married business..

just as i cant bear to see these 4 years fail..
i cannot bear to see my 22 years of living fail too..
i have a future..
i used to see my relationship going strong and far.. but just as i thought so..
nevertheless, i can see myself going far..
i can imagine myself putting on that graduation gown again..
thats how ambitious i can be..

but im not anymore..
im a failure to almost everything..

till then..

it hurts.

Be in good health first and foremost.. Weigh ermm at least a 40kg.. To do an adv diploma in nursing.. Be an excellent & dedicated perioperative nurse. I want to canoe & rock climbing someday.. To get married! Haha.. Not so soon still..

abby.
adee.
adi.
afdlin shauki.
azlina.
aznita.
azuwa.
belinda.
dani.
dila.
dina.
eileen.
farain.
farhana.
fauzie.
hasan.
hidayah.
huzaifah.
janna.
kak ayu.
kak azrina.
kak khatijah.
maliza.
mardia.
maria.
mastura.
mingyu.
mira.
nafisah.
neng.
nuraini.
sahara.
shafique.
shahida.
shu.
sufie.
sufian.
uma.
valerie.
winny.

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