# iced;

Friday, November 02, 2007

torn into pieces, 10:47 AM

i dont know where i get this strength. i believe Allah is with me. i dump all his gifts together with his stuff into a plastic bag and march to his place to deliver them. when i look around now, there are still a few things i have missed out. which one of those is his okley shades which i am going to give to my bro and cakap, nak, ambik ah. ni free! and his FRIENDS vcds which, ermm kalau nak, tunggu ah sampai aku dah habis tengok dulu. and i'll have it post to you. i wouldnt want to go to his place and find him opening the door. i dont even want to see that Bastard anymore!!

Syukur to Allah that i have my family and friends who is here to go through this huge obstacle with me. today i will be ok. tomorrow, belum tahu lagi. however, my prayers to stay strong will always be with me. Insya'allah i will be able to go through this pain in 1 piece. come on Zalifa you can do this. dont be like him, always using the word CANT. that is a negative word and sign of weakness. you wouldnt want him to see you weak when he is happy with someone else. you dont need him, the pillar of strength all that crap. pillar of strength sekarang dah takde. dah jadi pillar of erm erm aha hatred and penipu! i cant forgive you at the moment. but, i will one day. slowly but eventually.

i made my last call to his mum. i told her all that i need to. Adi pesan walau macam mana marah pun you are towards her son, dont be rude. i hold on to that advice. and i hit it well, i guess so. haha. and i apologise to her if i have ever burden her in ways that i wasnt aware. lastly, i invited her to my wedding if it ever happen. heheh. i dont want to make the conversation so dramatic. talking about that, one day, i will tell my mak about him. i was thinking that she has the right to know what im going through and how her daughter was treated. jadi ada macam ada orang nak defend sikit. =)

as i woke up this morning, im glad i no longer feel that shit feeling anymore. those feelings that pull me down. and that i still think him as an asshole and not a lover.

i got Sufi to delete all his pictures from my camera. simply because i cant do that. i deleted his dumb no and pics from my phone. i dont even leave a picture at all. all gone to the garbage. his love, pictures, memories, smell, pillar of strength and all his nonsense all gone. like i said, i dont want us to endup this way. its YOU, who is asking for it. YOU, who want us to endup this way. so you want to start thinking about your life? start thinking about it and do it good. because in my eyes, you dont know what you want.

Sufi was telling me that, 'fa, aku tengok you are much2 more stonger than how i was the last time. kau pergi rumah dia semua kasi semua barang2 balik.' its all because of what he did to me that keep me strong and stronger. you lied to me. i wasnt aware that you got to know someone and you meet her and it all happen 6 months ago. how can i not be strong?? 'abeh tak ambik helmet kau balik?' wahaha. 'nak buat ape?' 'eh! ada nama kau semua. siap dah decorate. ambik ah.' ' eeeii. taknak ah. agaknya dah ada perempuan lain pakai. kalau adik dia takpela. that helmet to me is filthy!' Kak Siti went, 'rest assure Ifa. he willl come back crawling.' 'aha! rest assure i will kick his ass and slap him!' but, i like the idea of that. hehe. true enough, i dont deserve him. he dont deserve my attention and love.

my signs of hatred are signs of me moving on. if you want to see me move on, you got to see me curse and swear you first.

i didnt go to work today because of you again. i had a little disagreement with my nurse manager this morning. 'Ifa, you're not being yourself. this attitude must go.' i kept quiet. should my career go harewire, i blame you. you, who made me this way and i cant control it well and i need time off from work. rest assure Sister, i will come back in full speed again. i will do my best like ive always done. some jerk have just paused my enthusiasm. its ok. i will come back.

to you, a song specially dedicated to you, Heartbreaker from Mariah Carey ft. Jay Z..

Happy Birthday Adi. i sang for him 'happy birthday' song yesterday.. hahah.. the long await does pay off. to hear me singing.

then again, im sorry for my hurting words and swears. once i stop hating, maqam redha is mine =)

it hurts.