aha! okey. i would always want to remember today. why? the day i took time out of my life to look back how i was 3 months ago. 3 months ago was a struggle. hehe.
due to the busy schedule, i took time to finish the book. just as whenever i feel not right, i grab the book or send a text message to Hasan or call Mardia and most important, seek help from Allah swt. mending a broken heart is not easy for me especially when you are very devoted to the relationship. i dont believe in dating someone new right after a breakup. to me, its more like you have just hit that big tree and you need sometime to get up, look up, pick up and move on.
when i view breakup this way, i feel totally at ease. heartbreak is the symbiotic counterpart to love. yes! its painful. it hurts me inside out. i rage at the card life dealt on me. i was a super angry person. i have hoped he died and burn in hell soon. especially with the truth that he flirt with another bitch when i am here being an idiot faithful person as ever. thats when i look up and tell myself, i obviously do not deserve this and that i deserve far better than this. thats when i focus my energy on healing, growing and learning i could from the experience.
my breakup is the most expensive lesson i ever enrolled myself into. often, i find myself into statements like, why? this is crazy. this is fucking shit. it cant be happenning especially after 4 yrs. but, each experience that i face is a stepping stone that can lead me to enlightenment and wisdom. unfortunately, pain and hardship tend to be our greatest teacher arent they?
im not embarrassed to share this to everyone who happen to read my humble page here. perhaps, if you are going through a breakup as well, my not so great writings can be a source of inspiration for you.
change is not my forte. change always threatens me. its getting out of the comfort zone. it sure threatens the familiar ground, the easy and security of comfort. however, if change is for the better, why not? the minute my life takes turn for the worse, i find myself using a different frame of reference. i do not accept it and i dont skim the surface and go with the flow. i wrestle with the challenges. i love challenges apparently. however, this kind of challenges just waste my time. i remember saying this, if you want him, you can have him. fuck him and i dont even care. im not going to fight with anyone over an idiot. just leave me alone.
throughout the process of healing, i do encounter my down moments. i do cry silently at night. i dream away when engaging conversation with friends and i cry alot in the bus =) just like when the waves crashing against the shore, i find different thoughts and feelings washing over me. more like, i think the relationship can still work. but, ermm i dont think so. no. i like the way i am. i'll be ok soon. but, i think he still think of me. but, no. he doesnt. thats when i nurtured my spiritual connections that have help me alot in grounding my emotions and mental stability. i view him as hurt and pain and he will hurt me. its all in the mind baby..
after all the issues settled, its time to forgive the blardy ex. fully. definitely not at the moment for me. i still call him bastard. i still cannot see him. i dont even want to have coincidence meetup with him.
Hasan was telling me, 'given 3 weeks, you will be totally fine.' 'hey, you had 3 months to be who you are today.' 'thats because i learn from scratch but, you have guidance.' hahaa. so, its 3 weeks and a brand new me with well polished. hah. but, of course, mending a broken heart doesnt have a time frame but, i guess i like to work on this 3 weeks. after 3 weeks have elapse and if it still remains, its time for another 3 weeks. hahaa. i hate disappointing myself. i work on this.
life is way too precious to waste thinking about the past that hurts. for each one of us have special purpose to be here, in this world.
'The law of karma governs life on earth. it teaches us that we reap the consequences of all that we do and inherent in this is the need to accept personal responsibility.'- Fiona Hickman-Taylor.
thats my journey after my breakup.
adious.
