# iced;

Sunday, July 13, 2008

torn into pieces, 10:06 PM

wow! class is entertaining today and i am looking forward for next week. psychology is my best module. i love my psychology lessons back then in NYP and i love it here in Andalus too. i've always wanted my 'life partner' to attend psychology classes with me. it will be fun and at the same time educational. oh well. i guess im destined to be single. =)

Encik Mohd asked if Chef Wan is interested in me blah blah. gosh! i was hoping for him to say someone like Brat Pitt or David Schwimmer. at least, i would said, 'ok! yeah. bring it on.' hehee. unfortunately. heh.

a part about psychology i must say is learning about yourself. learn about your own strengths and weaknesses. for example i am a SCD. he could guess my character right. this reflect on my conversations i had with people. last night, i talked to Hasan, i mentioned this, 'i am going to say something mean and if you're not ready for it, i will not say.' (environmental factors of the person have to be important right? he is having a not so good time and i dont want to add it on.)
Winny asked me sometime back, 'if i needed to be told about the things that i need to improve on, will you tell me?' all i could said was, 'you know very well i cant answer this kind of question right?' and i told someone that, 'i am so sorry if i got it all wrong but did you ermm....'

Oh God! i never realised this. i am too concern about peoples'response so much. we were given this exercise which is to write down the emotion you had the most difficulty in handling. i was scratching my head. its tough ok. its not anger. because i can control my own anger now. Alhamdulilah. Syukran. sad. ermm, not quite right. i can manage that too. and BAM..

it is DISAPPOINTMENT. if there is ONE thing i cant hide is disappointment. i remember when my nurse manager told me i wasnt selected for the coming advance diploma intake, i wish i had my mask on. i cant hide and i was close to tears. and also, when i have put in my whole soul, love, heart, thoughts, energy, effort, time on something big in my life for example my past relationship or just a jigsaw puzzle and if it fails on me, there's when you can see my true colours. i'll be defensive and its NO point in telling me to do the right thing because i wont listen and i will take a long time to recovery. in fact i will hate the related people for sometime but not forever. thats why leave me alone for awhile and i'll be okey which i am now but actually not quite because of the tagboard thing but, i will be. i think i said this before. the words seemed really familiar. haha.

Sufi told me in class, 'kau mana nak dengan Chef Wan. kau kan nak yang handsome je. Wohoho. in my defense, this is misleading. first, i prefer to have a pleasant looking man not a drop dead gorgeous. (its tough taking care of a gorgeous partner. i feel so.) definitely, someone that i can look at everyday and not feel irritated instantly. and hell, i dont want to tell him, 'you sure have a natural talent to irritate me!' but, of course be realistic, i cant marry a man whom i cant even stand the sight of him at all. can you..? this is marriage i am referring to not a one night stand.

most important in a relationship must be communication. not just with your partner but, also with his family and friends. you cant have his mother telling him, 'i dont think she is meant for you. tak sesuai.' or his friends telling him, 'i hate your girlfriend.' how complicating is that..?

next, will have to be the same interest. we may be in a different profession. i am a nurse. he is a ermm. ok, i have no bf and i have to imagine one now. he is an engineer for instance. different profession does not mean different interest. interest can be, we like to do the same thing or hangout the same place or enjoy the same scenery or enjoy the same coffee house or enjoy the same food place or most important for me, enjoy the same music and books. i have a friend, Siti, you're on here. hehe. Siti and her bf love photography and they can travelled so far just for photography. thats sweet. oh yes! Yazid and Mardia. they are in this silat together. however, all the same sure is boring. that when you need variables. no one said every human are created exactly the same.

thus, when the same interest is there, understanding comes in. sometimes, human will never understand when they have zero interest in this 'same thing'. ever heard, 'what so good about climbing the rocks? bukan dapat apa2 pun.' people like me will think it differently, 'in the process to reach the top, its the same as climbing to reach your goals and when you are up there, you feel satisfied!' when there is understanding, instantly, the respect will follow and so on.

am i getting good at this or i read too much about relationship. sometimes, i feel silly about reading bgr books because im not in one but still, this knowledge will prepare me for my future relationship with someone called 'the husband'. =) i want to make it damn right. no more heartbreaks. at least not the big ones.

i am still waiting and looking for this man who can read my mind even before i can open my mouth. come on. where the hell are you...? hah.

and i just love these words.. Behind every success of a man, there is a woman.

goodnight guys.

i am parying for a better week and better weekends. Insya'allah.

it hurts.