# iced;

Monday, October 27, 2008

torn into pieces, 8:16 PM

last week was a tough week i must say. my laptop broke down and my heart broke into pieces too. of course i was panic. i didnt know what to do. i do not know of the cause and i was frustrated. however, when the acceptance sat in, life is a little simpler.

call me nonsense. but, i felt so lost without the laptop. its the same feeling like losing a boyfriend! the first thing in mind was BLOGGER ku! especially when the blog is where i express my happiness, sadness, frustration, anger and insanity. can i ever live without this blog...? i really can't tell now. being a baby, i cried. i paid for the laptop in cash because i hate installment purchase. so, there goes my hard earn money. dead after 1 year 4 months. i was thinking, makin berazam nak buat korban tahun ini, makin banyak dugaan but, i take this as a challenge to be a better person and another learning path for me. to be patient is totally out of my capability sometimes. but, i'll try.

i was on training leave the other day and the workshop wasn't about operating theatre. its about handling difficult interaction with patients and relatives and care for dying patients. something out from my daily stuff. i was asked, 'how do you like to die?' usually, i dont mind talking about death because, it reminds me about dying and i would want to be the best person before i die. my first answer was, 'mati dalam iman.' second, 'to die beautifully.' why beautiful was the question asked. well, i do not want to die without limbs, looking very sick and most important is to trouble others. death is inevitable. we can never avoid death. i was asked by my peers, 'how do you feel about death?' 'i am scared.' who isn't....?

i have relate the workshop with my lost. from what i gather, nothing LAST. not even a loyal husband. not a wonderful friend. not a fantastic car. not even an excellent pair of shoes. because you dont last either how can everything around you last when you dont? we discussed on the importance of grieving. how do we usually grieve? silently? out loud? or we brush it off and pretend everything is fine.

this recall on how i grieve for my lost. i like to think that i am a strong little person and even if i am not, i like people to think and tell me, 'you can handle this.' its just too bad that i am not a palliative care nurse who takes care of the dying patients. the nurse manager who conducted the workshop told us her experience nursing dying patients and tell me can you bear listening to your patients asking you questions like, 'do have 6 months to live? 'or, what about 3 months more?' as though bargaining with you his/her lifetime. when the truth is, its just a matter of weeks or days. this particular patient passed away 2 weeks later. i could see her swallowing her tears, biting her lips hard, looking down and taking sips of water to control her emotions. i had tears in my eyes too. if i know i am going to die, face it, everyone will die... i would want to know who is my soulmate. i want to see how he look like. i want to learn about him. i want to learn to appreciate him and not letting him slip off like the last time. but, should anyone needs him more that i do, i can give way. because, i can live without a man. i seriously do.

mentioning about man, i got to know this 2 beautiful men but i screwed it up. damn! i am so sorry i am just not ermm keen and probably, i was very busy thus, i did not reply their messages and even if i do, its just a one way conversation. oh God. thus, they got tired and i just can't be bothered. i do not know what is wrong with me. well, i guess, its alright because if he can't stand you at your worst, he dont deserve you at your best. -Mardia. all the more, if i know he is the one, my heart will tickle towards it.

lets talk about driving.. so far, i am enjoying my driving lessons. no matter how tired i can be at the end of the day and if i am scheduled for driving, especially when i put on my 'professor' spectacles, i am looking forward to start the lesson. i have a group of wonderful instructors too.

right now, i am so blessed that AT LEAST, my sister's old desktop is still working for my usage. i am so blessed and thankful. so, give me a satisfying digit in December.

i need a short getaway and i am thinking about Pulau Redang. i do not want to shop, i do not want an extravagant lifestyle. i need a wonderful beach with a book in hand. in fact, i dont even want company with me. just beach, a book, sunglass and a pair of slippers. =)

so good night you lovelies. =)

it hurts.