i was rummaging through some concept about life. i kept silence because there are many things i cannot express in words. i am speechless. i call this early life crisis.
i am searching. i am in search for many answers in my life which sometimes, some things are best unknown. i do not have strength to face many obstacles. in fact, i don't even want to know certain things because i know my limits.
i was doing good before i learnt about certain things which bothers me so much when i was at work. usually, once, we started draping, i am into the surgery. i hardly dream doing surgery even when i am circulating. i am not proud of myself, but, this is just how i work. however, today is so different. i came very early, but, my heart is not there. my mind is not there but, i am physically there. i was trying very hard to concentrate. today, i learnt the importance of concentration in surgery.
i know this man whom i regard as an elder brother. i respect him and i am impressed with his experience in life. he said, 'Ifa, takut hanya pada Allah. kalau Ifa rasa ada sesuatu yang berkuasa terhadap diri Ifa, ketahui bahawa Allah itu lebih berkuasa. jangan minta selain Dia.'
Ya Allah, selamat kan keluargaku, diriku, pekerjaanku, perjalanan hidupku, aqidahku, imanku, seorang yang akan menjadi hak milik mutlakku dan umat Islam daripada segala malapetaka.
it is already a year. give me the strength to sail. i am ready for a big sail. jangan biarkan aku mengharap pada yang bukan hak ku.
i still want to go Riyadh. let me go Riyadh. only God can decide likewise for me.
