last night, i went home with Riz. Riz, as i know is the happy-go-lucky kind. you hardly see her moody or emotional. however, last evening, i was rather shocked to see her not being her usual. we told one another what we are going through lately. lately, i find it difficult to control my emotions. i breakdown easily. while waiting for the bus, i cried in front of Riz and many people. i am so sorry and embarrassed. if i could have control myself better, i won't cry especially for the same reason.
despite what i am going through, i am so glad that working is more or less stable not like when i first came. kecoh sikit. mana nak belajar, mana nak melayan. thus, i need to know when i am going to go over. i've got to prepare myself. i cannot work in major ot like the state i am in right now. i will make the hell out of my career. i never want that to happen.
i want to go Riyadh. if i am given the opportunity to go on HMDP, i will go now. i'll pack and go. if i am chosen to care for the ill in Gaza Strip, i'll go too. if i am chosen to go on medical mission in China or India, i'll go too. that is how desperate i want to leave this place for awhile. yes. call it an escape route. i want an escape. i don't want to face this anymore. this is killing me. if i am told to come back to work right now, i'll go. somehow, sometimes, i enjoy the operation even though i have to stand for hours. especially with great teamwork and great surgeons around.
i wish i am feeling better. i never thought i could breakdown this worst. i never thought i would be begging. i never thought i could be this vulnerable and weak. i never thought i would lose all my confidence and self esteem in one night. sometimes, i yearn for an answer. sometimes, i feel that i had enough and i don't want to listen to anything anymore.
i need a break. its about time.
"i cant promise u the kind of lifestyle that she can give u, n i cant promise u i can mature overnight.. but i can promise u tat i will always love u and i will never try to change u into someting that ur not.."
kumar patel~
