nurzalifa zulkifli

2009-06-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

this blog is back on.. =)

but, i won't be blogging here anymore.. i have decided to start a new. but of course this blog have meant so much to me. my growing process, my repents, my flaws, my imperfections, my dreams..

but, i am leaving this blog for good. Insya'allah.

i told myself that when i found a new love, i leave this blog.. so, yeah..

goodbye aromatic-scented. thank you guys for visiting here and for pestering me for access. hehe. thank you for the critics and support. =) i take that as a learning process altogether.

leaving always makes me feel sad, but sometimes, leaving for the better is the best.

i apologise for my flaws, my choice of words, my wicked actions..

to the man in blue, thank you for making me feel complete. i am hoping you to complete me further in years to come. 2009 is probably the year for me. Alhamdulilah. i am very very very very very thankful because Allah SWT have answered to my prayers. PS: thank you for the night drives..

take care you all :)

2009-06-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

i know i have started falling for that man in blue uniform. but, i am taking it slow yet easy. if it is meant to be, it is meant to be.. Insya'allah..

i see the difference in me. i see future in this person. i thank Allah for the gifts. i was badly beaten last year. i was going through my breakup. i was alone. i was very heartbroken. i was humiliated. i was frightful of the future. i don't know the reason to love anymore.

but, this person who always talk about surah Ar Rahman have swept my feet and sway my thoughts to something more worth the worries and achieve for. he is the reason I'm feeling weird and smile to myself lately. he made me look forward for his phone calls and smses.

Dear Allah.. show me the right path. it have been a long time since i felt this way.

2009-06-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

i thought of giving it a break. a break from what is going on. i feel so weird. very weird. super duper weird. Ya Allah..

i kept listening to Biarlah by Nidji. it is strongly playing in the mind.. =)

2009-06-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

I have been going through a confuse patch. i know i am beginning to like this person. after much confession, we found similarity.

i am keeping my heart still and not look back to my past. i believe Allah will guide me through. if this man is for me, show me the way.

i feel different. i feel weird. i felt love..

everyday i am smiling to myself. Masya'allah..

2009-06-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

yesterday, while i was on the way to dsot to meet Riz, i came across Farz which i ended up accompanying her to ccu to visit her aunt. it happened so fast.. in less than an hour, she passed away. Innaillahi wa innaillahirojiun. i can't help crying as well. i understand the lost. Masya'allah. the digits decreases very fast and i know she is slipping away. takziah to the family..

Ahmad is back to his grandmother's place. he must be fed now that his upper limbs are restricted. hehe. i had a conversation with Ahmad last night and he said, 'slowly and surely. i just got the feeling that kau ended up dengan Azman.' hahaha.. we are just friends. i've said it many times. time after time pun ada. hehe.

sometimes, i am unsure with what i look forward to. i am feeling very weird lately. i've been smiling to myself a lot too. aku dah macam orang gila.

2009-06-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

i was thinking if 2009 is the year for me. if this is the year for me. Alhamdulilah.

i am pretty much a confuse person when comes to the matters of heart. i am not sure what to feel or expect sometime. i had an earful about this moving on thing from many people. however, i am glad that when i sent a frustrating message to Azman, he said, 'relax Ifa. they don't understand about the detachment period but, i do :)' Alhamdulilah..

the song camelia-irwansyah is playing in my head continuously.. hahha.

2009-06-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

Ahmad is hospitalised. kesian Ahmad. bilateral upper limbs. ulna fracture. i smsed Izzad about it. bukan kawan dia.. sebab tu dia tak kisah. come on lah Ifa move on. i begin to hate this Ifa yang selalu menunggu seseorang yang dah tak ada dan tak akan ada. ramai sangat yang suruh to get this moving.. sigh.

Mardia and i visited Ahmad after work yesterday. we decided to leave after awhile. when the elevator opens to the first floor, i saw Azman Shah for the first time with Mardia. i don't experience the butterfly and stuff but, all i wanted to do is to quickly go away. hahah.

this person is not bad looking.. after the whole thing, i feel so dumb. i was in love with the wrong person. i was so blinded. don't ask me anything about this.

2009-05-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

let's share about work because i haven't been sincerely and religiously blogging.

trauma surgeries have taken the first lead in my life. 3 months in trauma have taught me more about life, myself, people and surgeries. i used to dislike orthopaedics for awhile but, when trauma surgeries came into my life, i begin to appreciate it and i was being positive about it because i knew if i was being difficult about my preference, it will be tough on me. for one thing, i need to sail. thus, i took the challenge and the pledge.

day in day out, the team are exposed to the x-rays and the heavy II gown. abg Yusuf radiographer cakap, 'kitorang dah jadi x-man.' hehe. hence, everyday, i am learning or applying the different systems. without knowing it, i am enjoying it. i have started from simple fractures to complex fractures. from small fragment to liss plating to proximal humeral to IM nailing to moores to bipolar hemiarthroplasty to posterior instrumentation to P1 surgeries. i am getting somewhere i suppose. thus, from monster cap to astronaut hood for prothesis surgeries. from i don't know how to gown the surgeons until i know how to now. i am learning so much here.

yesterday, was my first bipolar hemiarthroplasty alone. the last time i assisted, i ended with a heavy heart because i wasn't confident and i was too as usual 'gabra'. however, yesterday, i was more calm but, i felt giddy because the hood is tight. once the prosthesis is in, i just can't wait for them to complete. i told my CN that i was feeling giddy. they were panicking. they told the team. i was so embarrassed. Murphy asked if there was any ventilation inside. 'yeah. i am fine. don't worry.' Ya Allah. punya lah malu.

at the end of the surgery, Soumen asked if i was alright. i told him that i was just feeling giddy probably because the hood is too tight. he told me that i can asked someone to adjust it for me. he is one caring surgeon. he asked if i was alright when i probably must have shown an impression on my face during surgery. hahha.

i hope he stay the same when he becomes a consultant. because many a times, these surgeons change after they become one.

adious!

2009-05-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

i saw Izzad at BPP with Frances. we were deciding where to have ice cream when i saw him. i supposed he saw me first because when i turned and notice him, he was already smiling. he walked up to the elevator and walked back to me and held his hand. he was still smiling and said, 'congratulations.'

i kept looking at him. i remember my mouth ache because i was not smiling but, grinning. hence, i remember looking confused and shocked. he was smiling widely too. it have been a long time since we last seen one another. i am very amazed by the fact that we don't kill one another when we see each other. see, i am trying to tell you that i don't hold grudges against you whatever that have happened. in fact, i thanked Allah for His willingness to make it happen.

i was sad. i am always sad when i see him. thus, i know that i am not prepared to see him. i don't love him. i don't think i do. its just that i do not like to see things broken or failed. but, life goes on for me. apa pun, it is not easy to be together again especially after i feel that i have moved on a little.

2009-05-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

11 May 2009 is the day I've gotten my license after 6 months of hard work and savings. =) Alhamdulilah.. Syukur kepada Allah SWT.

berterima kasih ku kepada mummy Ku yang sentiasa mendoakan. siap bacakan yassin lagi. that is my mother. beliau sentiasa mendoakan. =)

of course to my new friend, Azman Shah. when the anxiety is a little high and when i couldn't sleep, he accompanied me on the phone until 0330hrs. with only 2 hours of sleep, i went for the test. dan betapa aku ngantuk sekarang.. hehe

of course again to Izzad Rahim. even though he is not physically there, but i know that he is always behind me to give me support because besides the important people in my life, he always believe in my happenings. thank you. because of all, you are the only person who knows my true flaws. =)

to my favourite girls.. for the crazy time.. Seoul Garden kape?? Kak Siti sila tunggu honda fit putih ku.. Kak Siti mesti cakap, 'ok ok! aku tunggu. aku tunggu.' hehee.

Ya Allah. betapa aku rasakan nikmat setelah sekian lama. nikmat yang berbagai-bagai.

since morning, aku dah senyum2 sorang2 macam orang giler. i don't know why. i don't understand either. is this how love feels? i am afraid with what i am looking forward for..

2009-05-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ya Allah...

sekarang ni rasa macam nak demam lain. gerun semacam.

haishh..

sefeteferusfus...

2009-05-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

I am very amazed by how major ot can tires me. heheh. despite the tiredness, i am trying to stay healthy all the time now.

life have been good. Alhamdulilah. at times i can find myself looking back but, eventually, i am certain with my moving on. Sufie and i were talking on the phone one night about this moving on thing. we were listing down the pros and cons. we were trying to compromise all the flaws. we come to a point where we find it too difficult to mend the broke-broken fracture. i don't know why i call it 'fracture' but, never mind. hehee. certainly, it does not involve the other party and me alone but, it seemed to involve the whole of his and my community. hehe. susah banget. thus, at one point during the conversation, i said, 'Fie, susah lah nak mend these whole thing. aku tak sanggup nak fix. banyak kerja. i rather start anew.'

i thank God for Azman Shah's presence. i believe i will move on eventually but, with him around, it kinda fasten the process. =) thank you, Encik. well, of course with his constant reminders to move on whenever i mention about him is helping in some ways.

2009-05-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

okey.. first one first..

the work have been something i look forward to but, the road isn't something i look forward to because it is always jammed.

on work..

soon, i will be starting to assist LSCS. i've seen one and i was very speechless to Allah's will. kejadian manusia yang Allah jadikan. macam sayu pulak.. :) Masya'allah..

Monday will be a meaningful day for me. aku pulak yang rasa takut sekarang but, like i always will say.. just whack!

i was asked to state someone's flaws. i have no idea how to go about doing this but, i did.

if i don't look back, i will be better off.

if i stay cool about the future, i may get what i wish for.. =)

2009-05-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

i received a text from SNB informing to update our particulars if there are any changes so that we can be activated when necessary.

the outbreak have made many people suffer but, the outbreak have brought a learning curvature for everyone.

as a healthcare professionals, ehem... i will give my best at preventing the spread of diseases. =) but of course, i will have to be at the optimal of health first. the medical professionals are on the move..

i can't wait to get back to the hospital and get my hands to help people.. ok Ifa. take an extra care of yourself from now on.. vitamins jangan action lupa nak makan! phhff.

i am trying to find the meaning to love. how do people experience love and how to express love correctly. why do love hurts sometimes and how can love bring happiness. why do people need love..

i understand with fitrah manusia memerlukan cinta. but, how do people express love CORRECTLY especially by not being too obsessive and stuff like that.. complexity lah benda ni..

i had a friend crying on my line last night. same thing the guy walked out with another girl. i felt her pain. she claimed that she'll be fine. well, i am sure she will be eventually but, looking at her this way reminds me of the fear to love and to know man even if it is just friends.

perhaps, it is about time i blog this.. ARE YOU GUYS READY....?

okey.. here it is.. few weeks ago, i was introduced to a friend by Ahmad. it was unexpected. i was on my way home from Farz's solemnization and i felt a little down so, i dialed Ahmad's no. one thing leads to another. i was introduced.

blah blah blah. he is an OK, nice man. that is my early judgements. for a friend, i am comfortable.

if my friends knows about this, i am going to score big time. thus, i am keeping him hidden for awhile until i feel right with what i am doing. having said that, i feel funny and weird how i am looking forward for his messages everyday. but, i am still firm with the no phone calls everyday. i am glad we abide with the rules we created. but, the looking forward is making me freak out.. what the hell, Ifa. come on. no reason to look forward. hence, i always tell myself that if i lose this one, i don't lose anything. in fact, i will not have problems picking up because, i am used to picking up my broken pieces. it is really okey.

however, this is the first time i feel that i have moved on. i never felt this way before. Alhamdulilah.

i smsed Izzad about stuff and he always ALWAYS always make me cry.. looking at us not killing one another now have made me at ease. very much at ease.

Ya Allah.. berkati kehidupan kami meskipun kami tak bersama.

i was asked this sometime back.. 'dalam hati tak ada orang lain kan?' Biar Tuhan sahaja yang tahu.. orang lain tak perlu tahu..

2009-05-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

I've been down for another throat infection. it always happen to me. at this crucial period, i hope to stay healthy always. Insya'allah.. especially with this swine going on.

I was called up a few nights ago by Izzad's financial consultant. i was a little surprise especially when she mentioned his name.. out of the many stuff she said, only a few sentences of hers enters the brain because, first, i wasn't feeling better and second, probably, i was more interested in listening to something else.

i told her i was rather surprise because it have been a long time since i last spoken to Izzad. she laughed and said, 'you're the first person in his referral list while he scroll his phonebook. you must have meant something to him.'

wahahhahahhha. i laughed. OUT LOUD. and muttered silently.. yeah. once upon a time.

i am surprised why he even bothered to write my name down..

but, at the end of the day.. i just took it as he just thought of me casually or probably to fill up the blanks or to make me stuck with his insurance agent.

but, whatever it takes.. i got to brush this off.

i smsed a friend about how i am quite settling in this moving on thing. having his name mentioned have brought uncertainty.

well... sure it is.. move on Ifa. move on.

because why?

he is way ahead than just move on. yeah.. at some point, you'll miss him. when you listen to my immortal, you want to call him..

unfortunately, it is just numbers.. a mobile number which you will never get a reply. because, he may be there but, he is not there at heart....

2009-04-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

work have been tiring and i am finding ways to enhance and reserve the energy as much for work. this weekend is studying time. i had too much of 'not studying' =)

on personal issues.

i am very very amazed by this moving on i am experiencing. it feels different. i was crying when i first experience it two weeks ago. i realised that i fear of moving on. i fear of losing it. i am afraid that i will never have the chance to get back again..

but, what is the point of still thinking, still yearning for something that is so broken. perhaps, he felt this ages ago. it is only now that i know how it feels like. i suppose my prayers are answered. i hope i am leaving this for good. i am sad. but, if i don't move on, i can never be moving on. i thought it is always been him. i thought he is the man. but, no one knows tomorrow.

i will never give up until i tried and i think i tried so hard now that i should leave it buried.

PS: i was hoping for a message from you when i text you that i got promoted which, i shouldn't have because it is never coming from you... anymore.

2009-04-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

hahahhahahahahh...

i was coached by a favourite instructor today.. heheh..

as always, we talk crap..

i told him about my last TP.. we discussed about work. i asked him about his nose. we teased this one instructor in front of us.

he said, 'ni driver tak makan agaknya?'

'sapa?'

'you lah.'

hehehe.

whenever i get him for my night drive, i always feel easy. =)

right now... i feel weird because, i am expecting something unusual. i feel awkward.

Riz told me to shut up.. ;)

2009-04-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

today is a crazy crazy day. first, Kak Yati is on family care leave. i ended up with our ADON until lunch time when afternoon staff starts relieving. i am so out of place when she scrubbed up. i kept telling her, 'Sister never mind i take the case please.' i told her when i unscrubbed i can scrub up again. but, she insisted.

poor Gurly had to cover 2 EOTs because i am with no preceptor and many times they told me they don't count me as 1 staff yet but, many a times, i am counted as 1.. =) which is really fine. after all, i am not used to be buddy up..

EOT is non-stop especially today. i am so tired that i can't feel my legs but, i like the teamwork. the teams from both theaters work together. one staff from O&G asked me, 'what is DHS?' right after they decided to send for DHS for the following case. i told her, 'don't worry. i know. i take the case.'

with Caroline in school and Kak Yati on emergencies like today, it is a little difficult but, manageable. i really got to learn fast.

although i am shag like hell but, i like it. fast pace. fast moving. on the toes everybody. keep the ball rolling.

during the last lap before i call my day, Edmond came. i told him, 'Edmond, i need you here. please stay. i don't know the system and the vendor is not here yet.'

he said, 'ok ok!!' hehhe.

i met Ben at the pantry and he told me, 'Ifa, the patient we operated on yesterday is doing very well. he is going home.' hahahah i am so so satisfied. =)

2009-04-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

i am listening to one of Radja songs, Jangan Sakiti Aku repeatedly :)

i had a conversation with Miya about how i am feeling yesterday. she told me, 'Ifa, move on.' =)

i am slowly but, eventually.

Ifa, if he thinks about you, he'll send you a message or call.

If he cares about you, he will reply to your urgent messages.

If he wants to know about you, he'll check you out.

If he wants you back, he look for you.

If he misses you like how you always do, he will read the journal or ask common people about you.

but, he doesn't. he never will. he said he never open the package i sent to him after the breakup. he never care or bother.

i feel like a bloody fool. is this how moving on feels...? i am scared to move on. i am sad to see it broken. i am very very very very extremely amazed by how fast he pick up his pieces.

he doesn't care. perhaps when i decided to fly to Riyadh one day, i doubt very much he ever felt anything about it like i never exist. like i never matter. like i am nobody. like 4 years never meant anything to him.

i know and i understand that i was a bad bad bad person. i repent. i learn. i pray for Allah to forgive me. i pray for him to forgive me. i pray so that i can forgive myself. i didn't appreciate the golden opportunity. i can't help feeling worst for all I've done. but, i can't turn back time.

but, i tried so hard now. i cried so much. i don't know where this will lead me to. aku ni memang tak layak ke...?

it is going to be 2 years now..

dia mungkin dah ada pengganti. aku aje yang terkial-kial.

it is broken.

2009-04-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

i got to know a new friend. well, first, he is just a friend and i have no intention to bring it to any level. i find that it feels good to know someone new. i feel that i am moving on a little. Alhamdulilah..

but..

i am feeling down right now. seriously, i do. i don't understand why but, i hope to feel better in few days time.

i don't miss him like how i was a few months ago. but, i am sad.. i am scared to move on. seriously. tak ada sesiapa pun yang tahu. one thing that i know is that i never expected anything in return may it be love or care or share or companion or friendship.

well, of course he never replied my messages. kalau dia reply pun macam terpaksa. Ifa, he is not there anymore and he will never be. everyone is sorry that it have ended. i tried so hard to make things better. i wrote in my diary on one of the things i want to achieve this year is to win him back. this is just April and i am so exhausted of trying. i am so scared of playing with risks.

Ya Allah..

i can't tell this to my friends because they would never understand. that is why whenever i face them, i hide it so tight so that it will never slip or show on my face.

sadly come to think of it

i continue again.. i feel terrible..

2009-04-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulilah. Syukur pada Allah SWT.

i didn't see this coming. i was speechless and i looked at Sister with eyes wide open. Sister asked, 'Ifa tahu tak grade apa?' 'B lah.' 'no........'

huh...?

Ya Allah.. betapa aku rasa tak layak tapi, aku bersyukur.

the first person i called was my mum and the second person i told was Izzad. i don't know why and i don't care what he is going to say because i just wanted to tell him. macam biasa, beliau tak reply dan tak akan reply dan aku tidak berharap. :)

i met people from dsot while i was there. i was so excited. the first person i had in mind was Angie. hehee. i miss everyone. when i went to recovery, they asked if i am going to transfer there. i laughed. at reception, i told Ain to transfer my call to Sr. she said, 'kenapa? kau nak transfer sini balik?' heheh..

Ya Allah..

i miss them so much..

2009-04-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

some friends have been asking me to the access to this blog. I am so sorry dearies. not at the moment perhaps for a long time or never. I've been thinking about having it private for myself for a long time and i think i should do this. i am so sorry.

let's talk about work first. hehhe.

work have been a mad house. Alhamdulilah i have been assisting a few open fractures and a flap case so far. i am looking forward to assist spine surgery in future. spine surgeries always frighten me because of the instrumental but, Insya'allah dengan izin Tuhan i will be able to assist spine one day. i wouldn't want to disappoint myself. on the other hand, i am learning so much here. Alhamdulilah. the fast and furious move. the action. the body aching at the end of the day. the I/I apron that drives me crazy. my paranoia if my breasts will sag in a few years down the road because of the I/I apron. hehe. i feel that this is the place for me because i am learning. Alhamdulilah. as i am going through my days in MOT, i realised that thank God i wasn't in mot when i was going through my breakup period. i will be in so much mess. Alhamdulilah. i thank God for this. see, He always knows the best for each and everyone of us.

on personal life..

it have been the same like before. the difference is that i am getting to know two male friends at the moment. not on intimate basis which i won't be interested. just friends. i repeated this MANY times. i said it to Ahmad Syukri when he wanted to introduce me to him. JUST FRIENDS. no pushing. don't be a pushy or else you will hear me screaming to your ears. because i want to move on slowly because i don't know why. because maybe just maybe i am still in love with someone. it is like cutting the umbilical cord. let's do it with clamping the cord first before we cut it or else, i will bleed. bleed to death. so please. please. please for mercy. just so happen one of my new male friend happen to get to know Sufie's girlfriend. hahahah. i told her, 'aku give way. she can have him dengan hati yang rela.' =)

on Islam..

last night i watched this man who converted from Christian to Islam on youtube. he was stating the differences between 2 religion. his discovery. his wisdom. i like the way he pronounce the Arab words. very fasih. Alhamdulilah. ishh! kalau dapat suami macam ni.. haaiisshh.. damai! =) my understanding towards Islam begins to grow and deepen.

on someone..

i leave to God because He knows.

on friendship..

i still couldn't mend the broken friendship. i walking out of it. i am so sorry. there is no point in doing so much when another party is not. at all. it saddens me because i don't like things broken.

on improvements to work on..

i know that i am not Ms Best. along this way in life, i am trying to be. i am trying to be a better person day by day. i am trying to stay positive everyday despite the impossibility sometimes. i learn from mistakes and people. given time, Insya'allah, i will be there somewhere with controlled temper, a nice better person, able to handle stress or able to ignore stress. i don't want to meet the man until i feel that i am able to be nice to the man to be with not too much expectations, able to be independent enough, able to handle issues in my life, not demanding, not an unreasonable jealous girlfriend. see, aku memang manusia tak sempurna tetapi inginkan lelaki yang sempurna. sigh.

on Farzila's wedding..

i am looking forward to be a bridesmaid and to meet everyone from dsot. Sufie was giving out this comment saying, 'kau kan budak major!' haishh.. even if we are in a different department but, i never forget my roots and dsot family. the place i was introduce to operating theatre. the place i nurture and learn the basics. so, why do you think i cried when i left... =) so please... don't forget me because i never leave day surgery behind. it is always in my heart.. always.. :)

2009-04-19T07:58:00.000-07:00

the Day. every time when a friend got married, it reminds me for the fact that i am not. =)

2009-04-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

its Friday baby.. i am looking forward for this weekend to rest this aching body. although i have an important wedding to attend tomorrow.

tonight is Farz's bachelorette night. i am so happy for her and i am sad for myself as usual. bila agaknya turn aku. hmmm..

i could hardly blog these days.. i am so tired.

got to go. got to check if the camera battery is still alive. hehe.

2009-04-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

i am tired but, i am learning so much here. Alhamdulilah.

i have done a few major cases. mostly, trauma cases and i am enjoying although my back, neck and calf is killing me. day in day out, i am on the lead apron which makes me wonder if my breasts will ever sag because of this heavy lead apron. haha.

silently, i miss assisting my Professor. hehe. today, we did a looooonnnnggggg flap case. concurrent of the orthopaedics and HRM. Dr Alp came in the midst of surgery. he noticed me and said, 'Ifa. you look different.' i laughed. how different? i do not know. one thing for sure i know i lost weight. =) i couldn't talk much to him like how i used to. no time.

ok now. i got to eat. i need the weight. :)

2009-04-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

for one reason or another, i am thankful for the presence and the unexpected phone call.

aku akur akan banyak perkara yang tidak mungkin akan sama ataupun yang tidak akan berubah.

don't worry dear people who always care about me. i know where i stand and i am aware.

after knowing him for many years, sometimes, i find that i don't really know him. he kept quiet when comes to certain issues which can bring to 2 reasons.. he is afraid whatever he is going to say will hurt me OR he have no answers.

and i..... am so tired of finding answers. i don't want to find find answers anymore.. biarlah Tuhan tunjukkan jalan terbaik.

Sufie always ask, 'Fa, kalau dah jodoh macam mana?'

my first answer is always... 'hmm.. banyak kerja tu. hahah'

whatever it is, i am glad he called because, i really miss him. i miss talking to him. i didn't know how to say that i kinda miss him but, i did it anyway because i really do and i just want him to know and i don't care what he want to say because, i miss him without the thought of us back on again. lantak lah apa dia nak fikir.

i told him, 'awk ni macam setan ah. apa amalannya ni? you ah.. no matter what happened in the past, i can forgive. i still come back and look for you. i want to find your replacement!' hahah. nasib baik tak cakap... 'ure fired!'

there are factors that can make him happy...

tiada masalah.

not in the situation of no money.

factors that makes me happy..

a good laugh.

hati yang tenang.

tolong orang.

pergi medical mission.

kerja kat Riyadh.

now that this blog is just for my eyes to read and refer to, i am happy to write anything i like. no restrictions.

when i hang up the phone, i know that the next time i get to talk to him is a few months from now. :)

takpelah.. Ya Allah asalkan ini jalan yang terbaik buat kami.

kadang-kala, i find that us, like this is much better.

2009-04-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

i am glad that i went to class today. from my point of view, Ustaz Sayid Amin always reminds me of Izzad. kadang-kala, i see some similarity. in a glance, yes, he looks like him. the physique, the way he deliver his lectures, cara dia berinteraksi, cara dia senyum. Masya'allah.

sometimes, you will hear me saying, 'benci ah.' hehhe i got many sayings, 'benci datang dari lahir cinta kan?' 'tu dulu! jangan sebut-sebut lagi.' heheh

why i am glad is not because, i get to see Ust Sayid Amin because i don't even know he will be taking over Fiqh Da'wah module. neither could this me another form of 'pelepasan rindu'. i was very much interested with the discussion in class.

Beliau tanya, 'berapa peratus akan awak beri pada diri sendiri tentang keislaman awak?'

the first thing that got into my mind was, 'soalan apa ni? susahnya nak menilai.' however, discussion went on. i could only think of 20% for myself. aku ni dah lah belum kahwin. dah lah belum membahagiakan orang tua. aku ni banyak sangat kekurangan. mungkin kurang daripada 20%. Masya'allah. suddenly, i am so frighten. so frighten to face Allah SWT dengan amalan yang sangat sedikit ini.

we turned the question to Ust. he claimed to be about 40%. he looked down and said, 'saya tak kenal siapa jiran saya. samada dia dah makan ke belum. saya teringatkan umat Islam yang berada di Palestine yang hidup di dalam ketakutan setiap hari. anak-anak kecil dibunuh. sedangkan apabila saya bersuka-ria, mereka sentiasa dalam ketakutan.....'

i feel my eyes watery. aku ni bab Palestine ada sikit cengeng. sensitive issue. Ust pun macam nak nangis. but, one of us, tried to control the situation by passing a comforting comment.

if there was a mission from Singapore who are going to Palestine, memang aku nak pergi. sometimes, when i practically have nothing to do, i can surf the net on Islam, Palestine, West Bank and Gaza Strip all day. the ongoing war and the aftermath. i truly felt for the ummat al mu'minin in Palestine.

doa is the key to success. when we do not know who to turn to, doa is the best solution.

i had a fruitful day.

suddenly, i feel so small. unknown. unimportant. full of uncertainty.

i make out one more criteria for the soulmate. a must to fulfill. he must membahagiakan orang tuanya (kalau masih ada) sebelum kahwin. the word 'membahagiakan' is umum. pandai2, menilai maksudnya.

life is full of sacrifices.

i always asked myself this.. 'siapalah diriku di pandanganMu.'

2009-04-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

i have been reading Danielle Steel's collection since school days and i have stopped reading for awhile because i find that her novels are a little 'draggy'.

however, having said that, when i picked 'Amazing Grace' by DS two months ago, i found a different insight towards Danielle Steel's novels. i like this word 'amazing' because it reminds me of somebody old because he is amazing and he still is. but of course, his amazement now have amazed me in a total different manner.

the story have made me learn about the different walks of life that we should respect. sometimes, from peoples' different walks of life, we learn from one another. i regretted for not reading much in the past to improve myself and the quality of life on some values i should have obtained by now. otherwise, i would have saved many precious, important elements in my life. nevertheless, in my dictionary of life, nothing is too late.

i remembered that morning when an emergency surgery was going on in a non-emergency theatre. Kak Yati told me to do an instruments count in eot while she attend to the emergency surgery. i done everything i could and she is not back yet. i went over. i saw her holding a non-coroners' tag. 'apa dah jadi ni....?'

from the whole morning, i collate that LIFE is TOO SHORT for misery, hatred, disagreements or even to think negatively. hence, life is too short to be watching FRIENDS everyday.. hehe..

major OT, have open my eyes. i pity the surgeons who have been standing operating since 0900 hours in the morning. i feel for the nurse who have to clear all the instruments. i feel for the patient who will be going through so much pain after the operation. i pity the nurses' varicose veins too. sometimes, we have no time to wipe blood stains off our clogs. the nurses are all the time busy and on the move. even during the weekends, they hold liver, hand, cardio and some other pagers i do not know.

it is back on nursing. =) perhaps when i am tired of it i call quit but, not until i weigh all the situation i foresee.

2009-04-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

i was in cardio theatre today. i have a funny orientation schedule. some days i am in eot certain days i am on orientation to various disciplines. whatever it is, i have completed all disciplines now. i managed to watch a small part of CABG today. my first impression was, wow!! there were so many instruments and it was fast moving. siap dengan instruments stand lagi. it reminds me of my dreams once upon a time. =)

later on, i was in vascular theatre. i sense familiarity except that they have many more instruments compared to dsot's AVF set. so familiar that i was telling the scrub nurse what to do. hahahh. not until, i told myself, 'hey hey. this is not dsot. jangan step pandai.' hehhe.

i miss vascular surgeries. i miss assisting Prof with evlt or veins stripping or avf or avg. deep down in this heart, i know i like vascular surgeries. i do not know about thoracic surgeries but, it doesn't hurt to try. andd.. i know one day, i will learn cardio thoracic vascular and cardiac surgeries. but, not here.

later on, i was in neuro theatre, my very own discipline. i call it, the open head surgery. i saw familiar faces.. Hazel and Mr Cheah, from the Dornier company. they asked me why i was there. Hazel said, 'you know how to operate the machine right? no problem for you.' yeah.. i may know how to operate the laser machine but, i do not know many other stuff.

its Friday!!

2009-04-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

my first DHS. Dynamic Hip Screws, they call it. very exciting and blur and bloody. hahah. since, i have a nice surgeon, i must take the opportunity to learn. when i have to assist monsters, i can never learn because most times will be panicky and shouting episodes. at least when i start to assist monsters, i have an idea what is going on.

yesterday, i scrubbed up for some other orthopaedics surgeries as well. somehow, i am enjoying ortho. Allah always knows what is best for me. =) i am glad that i am not in the discipline i always wanted to be in. who knows i may have difficulty coping.

got to go.. i am so tired.

2009-04-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

this is got to be a fast one because i've got to move it move it..

i had a great time with my favourite girls yesterday. with the upcoming event, it feels different. Farz for instance, will be moving on to the next level soon and another level when she gets pregnant. Sufie will be moving on to the next level as well in probably 2 years time. i told Ain not to get married before i do please. same goes to Mardia, Yazid and Ahmad. the rest, nak kahwin ke tak nak ke... suka hati.

Ahmad is seeing someone. Hasan is already with someone. the man who is now many many many phase ahead of me. i am happy for you. =)

Farz was commenting, 'yelah.. jadi kau tak kesunyian.' i was smiling. my heart was laughing. i see the importance of a partner for life. Sufie introduced me 'ta'ruf' last year. i may be going through ta'ruf. i do not know. if it works for me, you'll receive my wedding invitation. if it doesn't then, it will be later on.

i asked her about him. i don't usually ask many questions like that especially when i am not in the mood to. i come to a point where i realised that i should be seeing someone new. serious matter. if it works out, well good. if it doesn't, i am not putting hopes in the first place. i am excited and probably happy yet sad to meet someone new... you know those feelings.. =) life goes on.

after all, it's been more than a year now.

i learn something lately.. A good friend is someone you respect, cherish, love, open to, understands and knows what is on your mind even before you opens your mouth, not someone you compete with. definitely not someone you compete with.

i've lost a friend more than a year ago. he is too far from my reach. no matter how hard i tried, he is not coming back. whatever it is, i am happy if he is. sometimes, when we treasure someone too much, we just got to let it go. the word is let it go. however, if he returns one day, i'll kneel and bow to God. i can't afford losing another friend. i hate when friendship goes haywire. BUT, i did my best. i can't. i really can't stoop any lower. i am so sorry. it takes 2 to straighten things. i can't do this anymore. i am so tired to give in anymore.

2009-03-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

i miss them... i really do.. :)

Kak Azrina been to Dubai. my turn will come. cis! dia potong line aku. the place is BEAUTIFUL. :)

2009-03-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

i never regret i accompanied her to pursue her dreams yesterday. i saw her eyes sparkle. i saw the grin of interest. i know she wants to do this. you have all my support babe. you have it all. make sure i am the first few people you call when you get it. hehe.

i call it a mid career change.

somehow, i question myself if i foresee myself as a nurse in the next 2 years. the answer is NO. :) probably, that is the reason why i never imagine myself as a nurse manager from day 1. surprising when it comes from me because i've always enjoy operating. that is why i said NO too when i sat down in front of the big people lately. i don't know if they are genuine about it but, i said NO.

i've always wanted to pursue further in nursing. get an advance dip in perioperative nursing first and pursue a bachelor in nursing in Curtin University later. see, i have it all planned out. when i know what to do, i can rationale my actions.

however, if you ask me today why nursing? i can only tell you... the job is very very stable and i always like stability.

why operating theatre? the adrenaline rush. the fast pace. the thrill. the feeling of in control. the teamwork. something silly.. i like to hold the compact drill and imagine i drill someone's femur! or the pen-air drill and drill someone's ulna!! hahaha. but, not for real of course.

but, the new mindset have sway me away from my initial goals.

don't laugh...!!

I've always wanted to be a Food & Nutrition teacher. i am serious. i enjoyed my coursework and i enjoy baking and cooking. i like the food experiments too. hey, this is my forte.

however, since, i am in nursing, i never thought about it until few months ago. it became stronger after the talk i attended. i should be attending talks like... How to Manage Diabetic Patients or Management of a Heart Disease or stuff like that... isshhh. tak kuasa aku!

one good thing about MOT nurses is that they are fierce people. they scold doctors upfront when they are unhappy about certain things. they don't give face to them. i like that. but of course not to all doctors. especially when they accidentally prick us, selamat ah mereka. the nurse manager will come in and give her second helping.

in dsot.. it is a total different thing. when they forgotten to open the gowns and gloves, we will open for them. in MOT, the nurses will tell them, next time, you remember to open it yourself.

then again... some are really nice surgeons. it is always a pleasure working with them.

i remember telling a friend that i feel that doctors should go for anger management course. we understand their tension during surgeries. we, nurses, are as tension!

i refer to many points i collate about being a nurse which i will list another time.

as for now... i am anxious as to how i am going to assist spine in future. hmmm.. spine hur? i never thought i would do spine and neuro surgeries. i never thought i would run emergency theatre on daily basis.

well, i am ready to get back to theatre tomorrow. i'll do my best.

1 year 3 months to kill before i become a free man. =)

so fast.. it will be April soon.

2009-03-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

when mum got home.. hmmm.. habis aku kena lecture.

'tu lah. lain kali jangan cabul. kata-kata tu satu doa. boleh ke tak boleh cakap je boleh.'

hahhahahha..

seriously, when i think about the failure, memang sayang sekali.. i hit the curb when i was going out from vertical parking. going out. not parking in. damn sayang man.

sorry lah. Ya Allah..

tak sangka ramai jugak yang perihatin. thank you.. :) macam mana orang2 ni tahu.. hmmm

mum was asking, 'tak boleh tutup sebelah mata ke? sikit je kan?'

haha. this is just like operating. we can't afford surgery to go wrong. driving involves people. nursing involves patients. my mistakes either in theatre or whilst driving can affect many people around me. their lives or somebody's love ones.

Ya Allah jangan lah sampai aku buat benda2 yang memudaratkan diri sendiri dan orang lain.

Iskkhh! kalau tak, bila Farz kahwin nanti, aku dah boleh drive kereta bapak Sufie pergi Punggol! cis!

Mardia and i have the same dream car. Honda Fit. colour apa...? biasa jugak.. hehhe.

now, back to proper planning. the next TP which means the next AL. the next revision lessons. the last practice before TP. way to go IFa.... way to go!!

can you believe that i have notes for my circuit courses...? lane change pun aku ada notes. yes i do... hehe. typical. very Ifa..

good night Beautiful..

2009-03-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

i am thankful for the support.

so you see. today is a lesson learn. the importance to have a little confidence in yourself. sikit pun jadi..

i had my driving test in the morning. during the warm up time, it was smooth. the vertical, parallel, s-course, crank course. everything was perfect. yes! PERFECT. i can't believe it for myself. we warm up on the road. it was PERFECT too. zero defects. speed control was ok. when usually, my speed control hancus!

comes to the test, i was given a Malay instructor. very nice. very fatherly. everything went smooth until, i hit the curb when i was moving off from vertical parking and i hit the pole. so, there you go...

i wasn't disheartened. heart made of stone. i don't give up easily in certain situations i know i can nail. we move off to the road. i tried not to think that i was observed or tested. i drove independently... drive drive drive. until he said, ok.. 'we are going to go back to bbdc.'

so here you go...

'yang awak pergi hit the curb tu buat apa?' hahhahha. 'that is all you failed.'

'yang kat luar macam mana pulak?'

kat luar ok. lane change ok. blindspot ok. u-turn ok. speed control ok.

memang tak percaya. but, i was very very very careful. drive dengan penuh perasaan. in total, i score 12 points and 1 immediate failure. sungguh sayang sekali.

but, i felt that i did my best especially with my unwell situation, this is something. really something. but, i am angry that i don't have confidence in myself and i believe when people say, 'first timer mesti tak pass.' :)

i am so scared of curbs now. hehe. ramp you curbs. :)

Miya was amazed. she said, 'your reaction can change so fast. you wasn't upset because you flung. you are upset because of the snap and about a missing friend.'

yes! i wasn't upset because i didn't make it today. i wasn't. i was laughing about it. just a little angry with my lack of confidence and i kept telling myself i would fail because it was my first time.

but, i am upset because of a missing friend whom i was trying to contact many times. she simply disappear. i was upset with a snap from somebody. i don't always have problems. i refer to you because, i know you as an expert in this and i know you have interest in this as well. why wouldn't you let yourself teach me some of your skills? if i would have spoken to you last night, i may have some confidence. but of course, i blame myself for hitting the curb today. :)

i've got to watch FRIENDS now. watching them makes me happy. very happy. :) especially, Joey.. or Chandler or... Monica orr Rachel Greene.. or Phoebe orrr Professor Ross Geller. i love them ALL. or maybe Gunther.. hehe. Gunther who? Gunther Central Perk. hehe..

my situation best describe the double Rs, Rachel and Ross's driving scene..

'well maybe he saw your hands slip briefly from the 10 to 2 o'clock position.' hahaha.

take care you all.

2009-03-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

i am left only one to say to myself, to friends, to anyone who needs this..

If it is yours, it will come back to you..

it could be to a missing friend..

to a missed goal..

to the man to be..

to the woman to be..

to a missed opportunity..

i am so not well. i need this fever to leave me alone.

2009-03-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

6 days have past and i am still not up on the move. although the fever have subsided but, the throat is as sore. each time i swallow, the left ear is painful and i hardly have any voice.

here i thought by going to the workshop will be a good idea than be in the theatre but, it is kinda same for me. during training, i had to introduce myself, interact with others, play some games and work on the tasks given as a group.

saw Hasan at the bus stop this morning. a few things to ask but, i've no voice, so.. lupakan saja. i told him to draw a distance from me because, i wouldn't want him to be infected by my URTI.

i am hungry but, i don't have the appetite because, i can't swallow. the first day i couldn't get up and i badly wanted to eat but, i can't. i cry. hehhe..

but, i am glad that i sail this fever without someone. =)

i went back to dsot on my first training day. Abg Ros tanya kenapa suara macam rockers. sejak kat mot ni, macam2 pulak. i told him, 'abg tak tau ke? Ifa ada band kat sini. kitorang jam kat belakang tssu.' tsk tsk. 'padanlah kat sini banyak e-case. korang tak buat kerja rupanya!' hehhe

i miss them. i really miss each and everyone of them. they told me to take care of myself. giving me a non stop encouragement. tell me not to disappoint them. i remember, 'don't disappoint the old horse ya, Ifa?' whenever they ask how is mot? i can't say... good. nice..

because.. i am still adapting. i am learning. Insya'allah satu hari nanti, i will be comfortable here just like back then in dsot.

i am not likely to give up easily before i do it. i believe that Allah SWT is guiding me through the process.

adious. got to go..

2009-03-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

despite being sick and no voice, i am trying to put together many things. nevertheless, of course some things just repel no matter how much you try to work it out.

fever have subside for me. Alhamdulilah. but, the throat, the voice is terrible. i am glad that at least, i could get up and go to work only to go home an hour after that.

it is quite bad. each time i wanted to swallow something bolus, i have to cover my ears. the third doctor finally gave me an antibiotics for this. Oh God.

i should be feeling better tomorrow. Insya'allah.

ahah! Ahmad is seeing someone!! yeay yeay!! i am so going to score.. hahha. way to go buddy. show me this girl sometime. i wanna meet her so does the rest of us. =)

i miss working. i miss my birken clog that goes cloak cloak cloak. =(

2009-03-23T16:23:00.000-07:00

it is just a week and i am down with high fever not much of my comfort. Oh God.

i hate being sick. i feel terrible.

fair enough the fact that it have been a long time since i am sick so yeah. Dr Yap said, 'i want to do a blood count if your fever don't subside by tomorrow.' 'why?' 'dengue is going on right now. don't you read the papers?' 'i am sick for God sake. i don't care about papers.'

over my years of nursing, some doctors, you just can't talk nicely. you've got to tekan them a bit. you think nurses are so stupid is it??

i hope to feel better. health and face.

this face better be okey! if not, hmphff. tak teragak-agak lagi aku nak makan diane 35!

the worst thing of all, i missed my exam yesterday. haisshh.

2009-03-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

i am supposed to be studying right now but, i am not because i am very very interested with this book Mardia lend me. when i read the title, i muttered, 'kurang ajar kau Mardia. nanti kau!'

it is 'IT'S CALLED A BREAKUP BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN'

wahahha. if you know me, i will make this usual sound i always do when i find someone is getting at me in someway. hahaa.

so well, i am trying to find the main part of the book. my eyes scroll down to 'DON'T WEAR YOUR BREAKUP OUT INTO THE WORLD' *sound again. gimme the sound.*

damn you. hahahaha.

the first few pages are so familiar. Masya'allah.

being brokenhearted is like having broken ribS. on the outside, it looks like nothing's wrong but, every breath hurts.

let's put it this way.. each time, i was about to make silly moves and when i did not, i am glad my last shed of dignity is intact. haha. but, when the moves are made, i go, 'My God. Ifa. what the hell?? your life is miserable don't make it more miserable pls.'

i never know how my former counterpart moved on because i never want to know. he shouldn't have any problems because this is what he wants and always wanted. he is very strong about it. he never thought about the past. he never had problems when comes to moving on from my assumptions.

i am the total opposite. i take time to regain composure, confidence, build up some personalities. so there you go.

=) life goes on. we fall. we stood up. we fall again. we got up. we moved on.

so right now if you ask, i am over and done with. strongly over and done. i don't feel it. i don't see the vibes. i don't see and i don't want to see. i supposed, we have outgrown one another.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

everyone have dreams and goals. lately, i came across many questions about the career to myself.

the full heart is in operating theatre. what i want to do. where i want to go. what do i want to achieve. how am i going to achieving. why do i want to achieve this.

it is good to see Miya knowing and pursuing her dreams. i am all the way behind her.

i love operating theatre. the challenges are right in front of my eyes now especially when i am in EOT. there are complex cases everyday. i don't think i would get bored. it is the total adrenaline rush and perhaps, some frustration may occur as well.

when i see some sets with 24 towel clips, i went, 'tak ada banyak lagi?' or the 'king kong' trolley that always frighten me. hehe. the trolley is bigger than me okey. nak set up trolley nak kena guna bangku!

at this point. i question, 'is this what i want to see myself in?'

i am one tiny person but, i have such huge dreams. dreams that i hope is not just dreams.

i surf King Faisal's Specialist Hospital's website again. this got to be for real man. i really want to go to this place. i have a heart made of stone. i am very sure with what i want. i am never this certain.

anyway, Mard, the book, the book again is fantastic. =) never know you would slap the wake up call to me like this. hahahaha.

im good if you must know.

Janet just text me asking if i am doing ok here. she is like a mummy to me i am telling you. very sweet of her. her last sentence is always... come back if u are not happy there ok?

hehe.

i am doing my best here.

2009-03-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

the eyes were blurry. it was blur and blur and blur. i look at the mirror.. it was still blurry.

when the blurry goes away, i screamed...

siapa punya muka ni???

teruk nya muka.. muka siapa ni...?

2009-03-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

5 days in MOT. way to gooooo. going tougher. going stronger. haha

since day 1, i am still amazed by how these nurses work. no doubt of their efficiency. no wonder these surgeons and doctors look up upon them because they work hard.

even when i left theatre today, the theaters are full house. emergency chits are still waiting to be sent out. good luck to the night staff tonight. besides, i am amazed by how they handle ADOT patients.

as for me, i've got to brush up. i've got to learn. there are so many to learn here. i am not very comfortable yet. but, i am adapting somehow.

i went over to Ming's place after work. she squeeze out every of my pimples and oil sebum. i guess she can't stand the sight of my skin. it is bad. it feels clean but, it is SOOOOOOO PAINFUL. i was teary. she was cruel. she kept telling me, 'your face is so dirty!' the face is WORST. i am not kidding you when i said i need help with my face. it feels and looked swollen right now.

her face is so clean now. so flawless. so white. so smooth. i am so jealous. =P

so, you know why i look down when i walk. or why i refused to go out even if you beg...? =)

good night everyone.

i'll be in theatre for only 2 days next week. weeeeee!!~

they are sending me for 2 days training.

2009-03-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

cheers!~

2009-03-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

i met Sufie for awhile after work to get some stuff. i was told of some missing feelings. hehhe..

be strong is the word i always tell myself when i miss day surgery. i know for myself that when i start thinking on my day surgery days, i will have the strong feeling to come back. i miss everyone especially, my Malay kakis. sometimes, i feel missing. something is not complete somewhere. in theaters, i am very close with Farz. so, right now, when i am here, it feels different not having to see people i used to see all the time.

well, whatever it is, life goes on. if i never do this now, i will never do it.

hey, if anyone must know, it isn't easy to let go something that have always been mine. :)

in theatre, the first person i see in the morning is a familiar stoned face. macam pernah aku kenal budak ni. so there you go..... MARDIA HAZWANIE. hahahhahahhaa. same black birken clogs. same adidas landyard. sibokk betul. hehe.

she was on night. so happen to be in EOT this morning.

i met a few surgeons who knows me. Matt asked, 'are you lost??' hahaa. Anthony, 'hey, you're here now.' Alph, 'was my prediction right?' Tim who was rushing, 'hi Ifa.' Anu, 'you're here now?'

i kinda miss plastics. now that i am in trauma team, it feels different. but, thats okey. another kind of exposure. im okey.

later part of the day, like yesterday, it is always happening in eot. before i left, a spine case is ongoing. when i look at how many instruments and how they prepare, i was speechless. Masya'allah. banyak nya instruments. there are so many things to prepare just for preparation let alone the surgery. i am looking at it and it and question myself, 'how am i gonna do this, babe...?'

spine cases, they have what they call it, 'king kong trolley'. hehe. with so many instruments around me in future, you'll never get to identify the scrub nurse. heh. the scrub nurse will be on the stool!

since, day 1 i enter, i am always amazed by how fast these mot staff work. the way they move. they assist. they talk. they walk. run from one theatre to another. they are so fast. i am not kidding you.

some day, when i pick up skills, Insya'allah, i'll be as fast too.

my perceptor asked, 'dik, kau ni dah kahwin ke belum.' 'belum lah kak.' 'bf ada tak?' 'takde.' 'kau jgn macam tu. kerja2. bf2.'

ishh! ever since i am in mot, i don't care about all that anymore. no man for the time being for me. i need to focus on these 2 months first. learn fast. learn more. i don't need a man in this period of time. for once, my mind is somewhere out from the usual thoughts. :)

Thank you Allah.

2009-03-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

got to make this quicky. i need to study and i need the rest.

today, for the first time i enter emergency theatre. unlike the rest of the new comers who get a full orientation, i don't. i was send straight to theatre after some orientation that i get which was good enough.

i was told of some expectations to fulfill which i am telling myself that i will do i best. depending on the performance, i get to be on afternoon shift in the next 2 months and on night by the third month which means, i have to complete my LSCS before i go on night.

as of now, i am concentrating on eot first. more on trauma orthopaedics cases. man! i never thought of assisting ortho here.

but, whatever it is, i am just going to do it.

when i am hands on, i will feel confident of myself.

so, good luck.

gtg. good night beautiful.

2009-03-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

1 down. 1 more to go.

at least today's paper, i kinda know how to answer. Alhamdulilah.

tomorrow will be a new day, new experience, new life, new faces, new theatre for me.

i am excited, anxious and at the same time, worried. :)

well, we are always fear of the unknown. when things get settled, i will be on the ball again. Insya'allah. i will try not to be so blur when sometimes, i get lost in MOT during my student days. hehee.

i hope i made the right decision. Ya Allah restui perjalanan ini.

way to go!~

if many people can do it, so can i. so can i!!

2009-03-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

forget about As today. i always study early. not the day before exam.

forget about As.

2009-03-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

if i finished studying by 1800 hours, i can watch Manja Lara tonight! if i don't, i have to study through Manja Lara. hehehe..

EOT is playing in my mind to the extreme that i have dreams about it. haiyoh. i got to chill.

2009-03-14T07:10:00.000-07:00

if it is not for Hasan's early morning messages, i won't be fully awake, sitting upright and getting down to business. just as i was about to go back to sleep. the exam is tomorrow. i don't know how i am going to do this because, i have not be studying religiously.

let's hit the papers tomorrow whatever it is.

Ya Allah. Siapa pulak yang terpekik pagi2 ni. haiisshh!

2009-03-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

sad day..

i feel like i am dreaming. i can't believe that i am leaving. no. i left day surgery theatre. i cried badly. on this last day, i can see the true colours. those who will cry with you. who wish you all the best from their hearts or those who simply don't care.

my mum always tell me to leave a place in a nice way. i am glad that i heed her advice. i went into Sisters' office and sees this particular Sister and i gave her the card i wrote for her. i do not know why i was very emotional. i cried so much. she gave brilliant advices. she tell me it is going to be alright. we hugged and i left.

Janet was looking for me when i overtime for the last time here. we were doing fixation work. she looked for me to say goodbye. Janet have always been very supportive whenever i am in GS theatre especially plastics surgeries. i cried, as always. she touched my head and tell me, 'i believe in you. you can do it. but, if you feel like giving up, don't resign. come back here.'

some other staff who wish good bye and all the best and hug.

i managed to speak to Elena about neuro discipline. she was in neuro theatre for many many many years. she is the veteran in neuro discipline.

like what Kak Noorliah said, 'we are always fear of the unknown but, when we get familiar with things, we will be fine.'

i am not sad because i am afraid of the life i will be in, in the coming years. but, i am sad because i am leaving great people, easy life, the friendship. yes. it have always been the friendship and the place. this place where i grow, nurture, learn about life, career, people, love, independence, sacrifices, friendship, also, the place, i choose as a distraction for my breakup. andd, i learn to be impatient too. hehhe.

it have been a great year for me. Miya said, ' you broke up, she broke up, i broke up.' the breakup year. just that mine was oct 31 2007! a year ahead. hahah. theirs came later on. whatever it is, we went through thick and thin together despite the differences. i always call it.

let's wipe these tears away and lets stay focus and learn about emergency theatre. ive got to learn fast man. there so many emergency disciplines. i don't get to choose what kind of emergency cases they're gonna push in.

i am just going to do it. times like now, i always remember someone saying, 'always remember that you can achieve anything. its just a matter of endurance.'

i am doing this for my parents, for my future, for life, for the people who are sick and needed me, for the man to be. why? because, i want to be financially stable before marriage. i don't want to be financially dependent after marriage. i wanted a better living for my parents and myself. i wanted stability.

soooo.. way to go..

i cried to much, my nose is blocked.

all i want to do is, watch Friends and eat cuttlefish. i don't know why cuttlefish. don't ask.

2009-03-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

many people have been asking me about my face and pointing at my face. i don't quite care about this face at the moment. i have many other stuff to concentrate on.

when the days gets nearer, i am dreaded to think that i am leaving this place soon. very soon. my last week have been a great week. ive been given treats and i really appreciate that they didn't think of me as good riddance which some may think as such. hehe.

i'll miss everyone. my favourite girls. my senior leaders. my helpful technicians.

sigh.

i wish i am not leaving. i hate to leave. i hate changes.

but, i have no choice. if i don't do this today, i can never do it.

rumours have it all. i was told that i will be in emergency theatre. my first reaction was, OH MY GOD! how am i going to do this, i do not know. some unexpected. but, Insya'allah. if anyone can do this, i believe i can to.

it reminds me of what Sister Wendy said yesterday. she was singing a short farewell song and she said, 'don't worry. you can go anywhere. can make do with any disciplines.' i hope she is right about it. so, there you go.. EOT hur? i never expected this. come Ifa. just do it.

can't believe this.. EOT.

hmm.. how is this EOT like...?

all i could think of is, they push in any cases in eot. the name tells it all. EOT. probably except for cardio cases or orthopaedics.. or, i don't know...

all the best. :)

2009-03-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

if Mathew sees my face tomorrow, he will go, 'second favourite scrub nurse, what's wrong with your face?' when the face is like this, i never want to go to work, never want to go out, never want to see people and most important, never want to see any cute guys because, i don't want to let them see me like this. boo hoo.

i am very sensitive when people touch my face. what Farz call it, 'cium2 pun tak boleh!' hahah. especially, no dusting in front of my face. boleh jadi gaduh.

what i want to do tomorrow is go to work damn early because, not many people is around so that i can miss my bus stop guy (which i never wanted to).

Kak Ramlah and a few people said, 'sayang kau tak kahwin lagi. kalau tak aku boleh advice suami kau how he can help you.'

aha! i know this one.. the semen and sperm containing protein can help in pimple healing. :)

haissh. siapa punya pulak yang aku nak letak kat muka. ishh.

worst breakout ever. terrible. terrible. i didn't even go to class today.

tomorrow, i'll wear my tudung covering half of my face and huge shades. tak kisahlah ada matahari ke tak ada ke. dammit. i need Mathew now. yes! Matt. you can bring me home now. :) some inside joke that we played on one another. hahah. andd andd, if you dont mind, i need something else too for the face ;)

i called Ming. the last time i saw her, her face is superb. FLAWLESS. i am serious. i seen her throughout my poly days and now, her face is amazing. if i am a man, i'll date her. her face glow even without makeup. so pretty. i want that face too! smooth brother smooth.

got to book this appointment soon with head and shoulder massage included. yes! i need a head massage. the wires are more than just entangled now. one day, when this face is as clean as a mirror, check it out baby.

i told Ming, 'i have no boyfriend and this face have turn like this. oh God.'

she said, 'not having a bf is the best thing in life.'

hahaha. yeah. i agree.

don't tell me you never open or peep the package i gave you. don't tell me you never played the cd i burnt for you. don't tell me you never read the book i constantly wrote when you're away. don't tell me because, i know you did.

don't cry anymore, Ifa..

this song Mad, sang by Ne Yo should hit the radio 2 years ago for some reasons.

2009-03-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'll miss everyone..

2009-03-08T04:13:00.000-07:00

complex. i've been working on my thesis until now. stiff neck and back. many clips on the hair. the hair is too long and very due for cutting and i wanna get it curl this time. :) no more rollers that never work for me!

sometimes, when i look and read the pages that i wrote, i am a little impress hehe but, it is probably just quantity. quality mesti rabak. but, i did my best. of course i can't write like some university geek. hehe. however, that Curtin university Haizad introduced me will not be just dreams.

woohh! it is 0342 hrs. in less than 2 hours time, i have to wake up for dawn prayers which if i sleep now, i may be thinking about skipping. ;P but NO.

so what do i have on Monday.. hmm. oh no! Prof's theatre.

2009-03-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

i never imagine i will be watching Marley and me with Miya. somehow, the last minute plans is worth while. i should have watched it with someone i love. why? because... i don't know how to express it. but, it just got to be. since, i saw the posters and advertisement about Marley and me, i know i must watch this even if i am alone. =)

Miya and i learnt our lesson when we watched Bride Wars. we had the damn first row seats at Vivo and it sucks. this time, we decided to watch it at Lot 1 and got the nice middle seats. woo hoo. thus, no straining to the neck. we cried in the movies. well, what's new. i always cry.

nice one. go watch it. i love Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston. when i look at Owen, boy! he have this damn nice body. looks cool and stylish. i like. Aniston, on the other hand, pretty but, she kinda look older compared to her FRIENDS days. i can tell the difference because, i watch Friends everyday. either on youtube or on dvds. whatever it is, i love them both. hence, i like to have what they have too... a soulmate, kids, family, career, happiness but, not dog. i am scare of dogs. not cats too. perhaps, a new vacuum cleaner. =)

so, 2 thumbs up for Marley and me. go watch it.

i can't believe what i told Miya last night. it just slipped out. she said, 'it is just a matter of time for you to realise.' can i go Riyadh right now because i kinda needs it.

2009-03-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

next week exam! i have totally forgotten about the whole thing. sigh. it is time to read up. shucks! tak ingat langsung.

in two weeks time, there will be another paper and i have volunteered to participate in the MBBS exam. another long hours of MBBS exam. they are paying so why not. hehe. anddd, i get to see how nervous these doctors can be. heheh.

everything have been happening too fast for me lately before i could even get a grip about what is going on. i am leaving soon and many people just don't want to give up telling me to stay. Janet for instance, since day 1 she learnt about my request, she always tell me to stay. reasoning out with me. i am happy in day surgery but, life goes on.

opportunities came along. i can't say no. i have been waiting. i have been sitting down with many people and think about what i want to do. i sat down with Janet, Angie, Dr Alph, Sisters, Miya, Winny, Leoni and myself. through these sittings, i roughly get an idea what lies ahead of me. i believe i have a long way to go in the career but, i always fear of not able to achieve it all before i am no longer around.

make this real, Allah. make it happen. because i know no one can but Allah SWT.

everyone have different walks in their lives. i hope and pray the walk that i decided upon today will not backfired me. thus, a walk to remember. =)

rushing time now. every time i think about rush, it is always toyota rush! heh

2009-03-04T20:44:00.000-08:00

yesterday, i was assisting an ear reconstruction which lasted for 3 hours flat. today, we had a 5 hours operation. when i see the list, i know i was having high fever.

i am very glad that i had a very supportive and on the ball team today. no doubt it was a long surgery but, each and everyone of us went down to the field today without complaining. we work together as a team. i love that.

i felt the thrill. the adrenaline rush. it is as though i am in an emergency theatre. nowadays, we do lots of ASA 3 patients. well, it is another learning experience for me. somehow, i am enjoying this kinda thing. it is just like ER.

this particular patient came out in the papers it seems. thus, this is a trauma plastics surgery we assisted.

i waited for patient at the reception because patient came in straight from ICU accompanied by an anaesthetist and a staff nurse and of course many monitors. she was intubated and on ventilator. out of no where, Sister W came and helped me out with the passing over. the usual, right patient, right surgery, right consent, right surgeon, right property, right case notes. everything have to be right and enough and ready. enough stickers and all the documentation must be ready. GXM, anaesthetic chart and many more.

the team work in theatre is always superb except for some people which is the minority and i don't care. when i entered theatre, everyone was ready to help. the Sisters, AU nurses, anaesthetist, surgeons, the scrub team, recovery nurses and technicians.

we had 3 sessions. Azlina took the insertion of tracheostomy. Janet took the ORIF and i took over the facial nerve repair. very exciting. it lasted for 5 hours. nak putus kakiku. but, it was worth it. i am glad that my surgical stockings was put on.

one day, when i gets older, i may not have that much energy to jump around like right now. hence, i may step back and let my future junior nurses get the feel of what i am going through. but, while i am still on it, i am just enjoying until i come to the point where i tell myself i must take a break.

well, besides the excitement, there is this someone who came up to me saying, 'Ifa, can i go for lunch?' when we were all busy settling patient, she wanted to go for lunch. i didn't say a word. come on, if you're a team player, you should know what to do. i don't have to tell you. i am sorry but, yeah...

2009-03-01T14:54:00.000-08:00

i am trying to understand this printout i am working on..

i have problems here. i do not understand bahasa Indonesia. how do you understand this..? "Ia bukan berbentuk pinjaman, anjing, hamil, nafkah isteri, wasiat dan juga jual beli." what in the world "anjing" means? apa kena mengena anjing dalam jual beli...? could this be anjang or memanjangkan or terajang...?

complex.

2009-02-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

yesterday is probably my last ORIF in day surgery ot. i am glad that i was with a fun team. Dr Jo and Dr Sam.

yesterday's surgery lasted for 3 hours. i am glad that i am more confident in assisting orif now. it was quite difficult for me as i move around. today, i do vascular, tomorrow ACL, the next day, dental.. thus, the catching up is not easy. especially whenever i assist ORIF, i fear the implants. jangan salah screw. kena screw kepala nanti. unlike plastics surgery, the screws are standard. orthopaedics is a little complex but still manageable.

during tea time, we were talking about which surgeon treat us well. i was TRYING to come out with someone. Corina, we labelled her as C. T's private nurse. because, of all nurses, he can only get along with her. thus, whenever his cases are listed here, she is always in his theatre. hehe. i told Sister to do that. hehe. but, of course when she is not around someone will have to bear the pain. =)

Miya said, 'Alph right?'

i said, 'Prof.' Jess said, 'yes. i can see that. he always look for you.' even when i goes to Riyadh, i will always remember Prof even if he will be nasty to me in mot. people change. i do not know. the day i decided to leave NUH, i marched to Prof's office or clinic or theatre or wherever and snap a picture with him. Professor's sarcastic remarks made a difference in my life. i never watch surgeries in youtube but, because of Prof and i don't want him to tell me off anymore, i watch, i read and i observe him.

then again, i am a human with feelings. i have my dislikes too. those surgeons i just wanna hantar tembak at Pasir Laba!

it is time to work on the thesis. enough about work for awhile.

how cruel can this man be...? i just knew.

i had another surfing about Riyadh hospitals. Ya Allah. make this happen. make this real for me. Riz said she wants to go Canada and she might be sending an application. she said it will take sometime, the process. i think i should send an application too. this is what i want to do even my parents cannot do anything about this.

Miya always said, 'Ifa, heartbroken hur...? Riyadh. running away. unhappy here? what are you searching in Riyadh?' hahaha

yeah baby! running away..? good. i am looking for an inner peace. peace. love. respect. identity. goals. dreams. independence. and, running away too. thank you. :)

2009-02-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

he is nice. i like working with him or for him.. =) he is always smiling, explaining stuff that i do not understand, answer my questions when i do not know and save me from my less favourite doctor once. hehe.

i told my close friends that i am looking for a new life partner. a soulmate. the man for me. the one God created for me. i guess, it is about time. i feel that i have more or less let go of the past somehow, someway, somewhere. :) Riz said, 'you look happy lately. how are things?' i went, 'REALLY??' hahaha. its more of coping. i am emotional right now. the fact that i am leaving this place soon makes me sad. i like everyone here even though they makan my hati sometimes.

i cannot imagine not going to day surgery ot every morning. i cannot imagine not calling Sufie or see Sufie at reception every morning or work with Farzila in theaters or look for Riz in recovery or Miya who will irritate me or be in theatre 1 which i call my home because i used to be in that theatre all the time or, be part of the IVF team, taking care of future pregnant mothers. most important, i am gonna miss that Philips radio in theatre 1 where i play my class 95 and make Prof listen to it. =)

i'll miss Angie. soon, i will be getting another teacher who will guide me through the rest of my coming nursing days.

i'll miss everyone. in fact, i miss someone very much. =)

beside these missing business, i look forward to the next chapter of my life. thank you for the opportunity. thank you for answering to my prayers. i may not be the best scrub nurse. in fact, i don't want to be the best. i just wanna do my best.

adious.

good night. have a nice weekends gorgeous..

2009-02-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

it is all back baby!! yeay yeay..

Sufie said that dia sekarang tengah terbiat nak ada anak sendiri.. hey hey..

i told them, 'ish! aku plak tengah terbiat nak mendirikan rumah tangga. but, for fun nya. non-committable.'

'ALAMAK!' they said. hehe

im telling ya... i watched too much of friends.. =)

2009-02-22T11:51:00.000-08:00

aiyoh! my mio box broke down. it can only be fixed on Wednesday. lepas satu satu. ishhkk! i was quite pissed when i called them but after being attended by a 'nice voice man', i mellowed down. hehee. that is the thing about working in a servicing industry. it is either you are pretty or you have nice voice. people like me will be very much calm down.

i had to work yesterday. worst part is we have to be at work by 0730hrs. haishh. dah lah Saturday kena bangun pagi2 lagi. this is all because we have an AOH case before the usual IVF surgeries. when times like this, i always have to remind myself that this is satu ibadah otherwise, i will grumble.

the team is superb. steady bo pi pi. po tay to. po tah do. although we had to run 2 theatres and Prof was waiting for us, we had a good laugh after that. those panicky moments are manageable.

my heartfelt for her. she cried while we pushed her to theatre. i tried to comfort her. i told her not to cry and tried not to be such an orientate task person. if i were her, i'll cry too so, the part where i told her not to cry sounds a little stupid.

i can't believe yesterday will be my last Saturday in DSOT. sigh. life goes on.

i will be training a, okey, if i am a junior, she will be junior junior, for a couple of weeks in hope Angie will save me from all these. i am sucks at teaching. i have no patience in training someone and it is Professor's cases, the no nonsense, zero mistake surgery!

i hope i make the right decision though. if anyone knows how i feel right now is that, it is not easy to let go what have always been mine.

i helped Azlina in snapping our staff photographs. very entertaining task. Thank you, Az for letting me do this. :)

i dare not put up the rest of the photographs. takut mereka marah. so, only mine. hehe

i miss Ahmad Syukri. Ahmad sekarang action!

2009-02-19T21:32:00.000-08:00

a few people do not want to be my friend now that they heard that i am leaving. =) i wish i can stay. i wish i can work with the same surgeons throughout my life. however, life goes on.

i was in Prof's theatre today. i see that he is appreciating me. thank you very much. at the end of the day, unconsciously, i remember my first few months with Prof. i had a good laugh at myself. Angie told Prof that i am leaving soon. Prof said, 'who is going to help me with all these then?' hahahah. 'someone new.' =) 'new nurse. needs training. new tricks.'

kalau ikutkan hati memang tak nak pergi. why would i want to leave when the surgeons here knows me, knows my style, knows my strength and weaknesses, knows my impatience... whenever Prof said,

'Ifa, do something to the radio please.'

'90.5, Prof?'

'thats right!' or

'Ifa, are you there, can you help me arrange this particular patient for op this afternoon?'

aku dah macam part time secretary.. hehe. or

'okey Ifa. are you ready...? let's go!'

'yes, Prof. let's go-go!' =) or,

when he introduces me..

'Vasu, this is staff nurse Ifa. you better be nice to her.' hehe. or

'Ifa, i left my loops in mot.'

'do you want me to arrange someone to pick it up for you?'

'can you?'

'yes.'

'thank you.'

do you think i want to leave all this pleasant stuff behind me after all the hard training i undergone...? life goes on for me. life goes on. my mum always tell me that, biar kita tinggalkan sesuatu tempat itu dengan keadaan baik. orang suka jangan orang sumpah.

in fact, wherever i go to, whatever i do, i do not want to create any issues.

i did my best. this morning, the vendor have gone over my live line. i know he is a difficult man senang cakap, irritable man. i tried so hard to accommodate to him being 'difficult' for the whole week. he is being so difficult that i had to call in my nurse manager. despite what my other colleagues said about him, i still talk to him nicely, patiently, lower down my voice, smile but still, it is up to no avail. he is just being so difficult. i was so heated up that i just left him talking to himself. rather than having me shouting at him in the pantry, i better leave. worst still, before i punch him on his irritating face, i better leave.

before i left, i said, 'Mr D, you are not accommodating to our needs. your instructions are vague. you are being difficult. we have a hard time working with you. i tried to be nice to you but, you can blow my head up to the roof!' pergi mampus! i don't care if he is going to complain about me. all i wanted to do is for Professor to run his surgeries smoothly, for patient's safety especially, when we handle sterility, for us, nurses to have a less tension time, hence, less stress!

Angie told Prof that this man upset me. a few people back me up. Prof said, 'no fiber how to operate?' exactly! ada 3 cases. bawa, 1 fiber. mana letak kepala pun tak tahu. i am glad that Sister was supportive. when he entered, trying to explain to Sister and me about the fiber. i snapped and said, 'you can have your fiber back!' just as he opens he mouth, Sister said, 'i have a patient here.'

right now, i feel bad. i feel guilty. because i was rude, harsh, talk to someone in an argumentative manner. i hate to treat anyone this way. i hate to argue with anyone. i hate to raise my voice. why can't we have a pleasant environment to work in. why can't we be pleasant to one other..? worst part, i hate to sit down and think about what i have just did. kalau baik takpe jugak. sigh. i don't expect anyone to treat me as though i am a high class staff nurse, i just want us to have a pleasant working attitude.

i am quite shock that i had a well known man for surgery today. i was too busy to even notice. when i screened him, i was shaking badly. Ain said, 'Ifa, check blah blah macam nak ambik aural exam.' hahaha. oit! aku dah lah macam tak percaya that i get to talk to him. hehe. i was glad that i had my mask on so, he won't see me making faces. he is a very nice man. i must say this. he is very nice. although, he is well known, he is humble and he gave me great advices.

the worst part is when i had to expose him. Ya Allah. they were waiting for me to expose him before they could prep. 'come on Ifa.' she said. i stood there playing with the edge of the blanket. i kept apologising but, he smiled. haissh. minta maaf banyak2. when we sedate him, dia pun tak banyak ragam.

after i had my lunch i see him in recovery. we chatted for awhile. he gave me some advices about nursing. he said this one thing that i am honoured. he said, 'you can shine.' =) thank you. thank you so much. Insya'allah. if he sees my potential, i am very thankful.

then again, i am saying this.. i am not an excellent staff nurse. neither am i an experience staff nurse. i am learning just like everyone else. i have a long way. i am not successful. i make mistakes just like anyone else. i can be slow too. i got scolding from my surgeons too in front of lots of people in the past. that is how my training goes. i learnt from scratch.

Ain claimed that, 'haisshh. dia okey. gf, corrupted.' hahahaha. 'kau tengok aku. aku ok. bf aku, cockup!' she added. hehhe.

for once, i am glad that i have no bf.

alright. enough about fantasy. got to study now. haiishh. malas betul!

happening day... happening day..

2009-02-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

i am gonna make this blogging fast because i can't even open my eyes to stay put typing this whole thing out.

i was called in to the office today. she told me, 'i will release you in blah blah.' when she said 'release' me, i felt that somebody out there is going to divorce me or breakup with me. hahhahha.

well, it feels good to have a confirm answer but then again, i am sad because i am leaving this place. i hope i made the right decision though. i would love to stay but, life goes on. when i know of a place where i am able to upgrade myself, i will pursue. my parents are not getting any younger and i do not want to be earning like how i am earning in the next 2-3 years down the road. retirement will be catching them one day and i want to be able to support them as well. that, my dear friends is my actual plan. of course besides upgrading myself to prepare for the middle east or the overseas. i still want to go overseas at least for a year or 5 years. overseas may sound insane or just dreams but, when i come to that point, i'll show you that i am not joking around.

i know Angie is a little reluctant with my decision. i am so sorry for the trouble in training another staff. but, i am telling you. we are going to train her together. =) make her good in fact, i believe she will be far better than me. you'll see soon.

i still can't believe i asked for this when i kinda hate changes or leaving the comfort zone. having said that, living in the comfort zone forever will not improve anyone. its the same as, if i never breakup, i will never learn this one thing about myself.

this may sound silly but, ermm.. thank you for breaking up with me. :) and i know you'll say 'your welcome.'

adious. good night everyone.

2009-02-16T22:36:00.000-08:00

today, i feel that everything makes sense. those encouraging words Angie used to tell me when i was brand new. i never had second thought that i will ever be in the situation she told me because Prof asyik nak spelling je dulu. telinga ini boleh pekak. it is totally different now. when he sees unfamiliar faces, he look for me despite a senior nurse in the theatre. i am glad and thankful that he is more patient now.

so tell me, who said when mending a broken heart, you can't excel at work...? because you can.

one weird thing that Winny and i have in common is that no matter how hectic our weekends may be, we still look forward to working on Monday. give me any case i'll do it, that is what i used to say just to get my mind off things. hence, i make sure i make myself so tired that when i goes home, i think of nothing but sleep. whack the day flat. that is what i used to do too. =) kalau tak ada kerja, tolong theatre sebelah. hehe. somehow, it works wonders for me. probably except for my low mood days that is when i cried. i cry a lot in this life. when my compact broke down, i cry. when my sister got married, i cry. when i watch movies, i cry even if it is a happy ending. when i blog, i cry. when i see my photo albums, i cry. when i can't sleep at night and i have no one to talk to, i cry. when i can't lane change, i cry too. heheh. when i can't parallel parking, i can't be bothered to cry! =)

i got to go. good night.

2009-02-15T20:49:00.000-08:00

i have finally organise a few things that should be organised months ago. i have finally transferred all my stuff into Ifa's macbook. hehe. that, is the name of this macbook. sometimes, i do miss my late compact presario. compact itu banyak berjasa. sigh. may he rest in peace.

i have finally decided to tell people my new ermm, not so new multiply account. although it is still under construction, i hope my friends will enjoy another page of mine. that multiply will be just photos. so, if i ever owe anyone photographs, you may want to visit my multiply although i have not put up everything yet. however, some photographs may be just for individual view because of some nudity image which may not be suitable for everyone. in another words, only for my eyes to see. hehe.

so there you go.. www.nurzalifa.multiply.com

goodnight, lovelies..

2009-02-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

my missing bookmark. please return if you see it.

i hardly see her now. sigh.

despite the differences, we are still good friends.

the side kick.

we call one another panget. sometimes, i call her gatal!

Some random pictures for fun... =)

2009-02-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

i regretted for not able to see her difficulties. i should have been more observant. see, i can't read between the lines. you've got to tell me facts straight to me. i am not that smart. heh.

i recall discussing about theatre nurses with a friend. we claimed that theatre nurses are blunt people. =) when we said don't move means don't move. excuse me means excuse me. put means put. throw means throw. get for me scissors means get for me scissors. don't argue and act accordingly. i realised that we do not have time to speak proper English sometimes. before the sentence is finished, patient is out to recovery. =)

we have not time for, 'do you mind if you could blah blek bluk...' it would be, 'stand there!' haha.

at the end of the day, we are happy because everyone knows what to do and it is the teamwork that calls it all.

i am glad that i am treating my student nurses nicely. something that i always fear about because i am not a good person at teaching. i don't have the patience. somehow, i hope they have benefited in some ways or another. =)

a friend asked me awhile ago, 'what are you up to today?' 'nothing is up. everything is down.' =)

2009-02-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

while waiting for this masker to dry up, i shall type this out. this week feels fast. hmmm.. bagus jugak.

today, for the first time we did IUI. IUI, also known as Intrauterine Insemination is a procedure where the sperms are injected directly into the uterus for fertilization. this procedure is carried out when patients do not produce any eggs after the oocyte recovery procedure. Angie isn't with me this time. the team are looking at me as though i know what to do.

Prof guided me through. he did not yell. he is nice and i am thankful. =)

i have this weird habit of putting test tubes in my pocket after they are being used especially the leftovers ASP. so, i put that 'sperm test tube' into my pocket unconsciously only to discover it is at one corner of my pocket after all the cases are over. eeyyeeoowww.. i have someone's sperm in my pocket!! heheh.

anyway, it have been a pleasant week. Alhamdulilah.

i really got to go. the face feels so tight. =)

Goodnight. ;)

2009-02-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

i completed reading the book, Goodnight, beautiful. very sad. that is all I've got to say. i remember reading Dorothy's book for the first time, My best friend's girl. i never pick her book but, he did and i started falling in love with more of Dorothy's books. honestly, i don't deny that i like his picks.

so..

Goodnight, Beautiful.

who is next now...?

2009-02-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Winny and i were talking about life, past, work and future over dinner. i am glad that despite us being in a different department, we still meet at least once a week. i begin to feel this strong friendship between us. two girlfriends going through the same path but, probably differs a little in some ways.

just a week ago, i told her what happened and how i could spend so much time and effort to make her see things my way. hehe. i explain to her repeatedly why i did that. i know she love me that is why she scolded me because she doesn't want me to get hurt. the same goes to her. whenever she does something silly, i question her the benefits she gain out of it. despite all that must take place, we allowed ourselves to make mistakes, to be silly, to be insane and insensible because from there, we learn. but of course these do not apply to all situations.

today, we made promises. we promise to value many factors in our life by some actions we have to accomplish first. like... if i have a bf again, i will blah blah blah. i will not blek blek blek. most important, we will introduce our partners to one another. i see the sincerity in her eyes. you see, God is fair. He'll let you taste your medicine first before He arrange someone for you.

i am on rock bottom. =)

when i read my past past entries, i see myself grow if you know what i mean. i should really start thinking about getting this space private.

2009-02-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

I just learnt a new song. Hanya Kau Yang Mampu, sang by Aizat AF5. i like it. a friend said, 'lagu ni dah nak basi. kau baru tahu sekarang.' hehe.

i went to my hiding place today. i am always there when i want to be alone or when i need to do some soul searching because there isn't any cute guys who can distract me. there isn't any couple around that i care looking at. when i am on leaves and have nothing to do, i visit this place. when i am sad or happy, i visit this place. i like this place because it is cosy, hidden and i always like this particular spot in it. someday, one day, perhaps, i introduce this hideout to the man i am going to marry to. =)

i am reading another book of Dorothy Koomson, Goodnight, Beautiful. Dorothy Koomson have made the story surreal, so devastating, so touching, so sad. it made me cry many times when i am reading it. if you like my pick of books, you would love this one because this is going to be my best book on my bookshelf just like how The Gift by Danielle Steel have touched many souls that i know.

back to Goodnight Beautiful. i am amazed by how the story line have made me repent to Allah SWT. recognise my mistakes and learn from it. i felt that Stephanie, one of the character in the book have represented so much about me. how selfish and insecure i was. how i could let my soulmate died not physically but in many other ways and it is a shame. it is better to be dead physically then dead inside silently. this, i promise, i never do that to anyone ever anymore. not even tomorrow or in a million years.

from this book, i learnt too that if you love someone, say it clearly. don't let him/her read in between the lines. it does not give direct answers. especially, stupid people like me don't read between lines. i capture the opposite answer all the time.

adious.

good luck to me tomorrow. Suresh theatre tomorrow.

2009-02-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

i have been assisting lots of plastics surgeries lately. sometimes, i get off handed by telling myself that if i have lots of moneys, i will go for plastics surgery. hahahah. perhaps, rhinoplasty or fat injection or bilateral canthopexy or breasts augmentation...? full house renovation! that is what the girls at work call it whenever we have full body correction. but, i definitely do not need a liposuction!

however, i definitely do not like myself to go under the blade. may Allah deviate my thoughts ever about plastics surgeries or botox or anything that are sinful. hence, going to such surgeries will make me lose my identity, self esteem, confidence because why..? we tend to be more insecure time after time when some things change and rely on surgery for correction. body figure definitely cannot remain the same over time. face it.

moreover, plastics surgeries DO NOT take an hour to complete. it takes HOURS, many many hours! that is why i never miss surgical stockings when i know i have to assist plastics. especially, when she is for liposuction but her tummy look as flat as mine, you will hear me say, 'menyusahkan orang je.'

i have been spending today with books, dvds, books, dvds, books, dvds.. in the past, it is always books. however, i have been buying dvds, vcds and books every month. i can open a bookstore and a laser flair store already. hehe. my collection of books have been circulating at work and i am glad that they like my pick of books. one girl smsed me to say, 'Ifa, bring your best book tomorrow ya!' hehehe.

okey! got to go.

2009-02-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

excellent team work.

although we were played out with incomplete instruments, we managed to pull and put everything on time. i am glad. Alhamdulilah.

this pan facial fracture lasted for 7 hours. i am super duper tired. i took over Miya and completed the surgery. there were so many instruments to wash. so many things to look into.. the implants, MOT sets, documentation, counts and charges.

despite this tiredness, i enjoyed myself. although i grumbled for some reasons or for no reasons why are day surgery accepting very ill patients, ASA 3 patients...

tapi bagus jugak. jadi, ada chance aku nak belajar. hehe.

everything went well. from my sets to the surgeons to patients. except for the idiot anaesthetist. perangai macam lanun! i am sorry but, never hide the truth.

adious!

2009-02-04T22:47:00.000-08:00

i thought i will cry because i can't find.. senang cakap i don't know how to use this HDD stuff but, i know now. heh. i thought i lost it ALL. my pictures, music, videos, the memories. i can't live without those. but, i am eager to sell off my old laptop. let's get rid of this last evidence.

i told a friend tonight. 'If it happens, it is going to be a miracle because i know it is impossible.'

2009-02-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

i figure the most difficult part in driving for me is parallel parking. even lane change pun tak susah macam parallel parking. i am thankful to my patient instructor. =) i hope i will continue to get him until my test date. he is superb. the nyanyi satu lagu pakcik. i don't mind many corrections after corrections now. i don't mind if i hit the pole now but, not later on. however, if i can hit this one person legally, i'll do it! tak ada hegeh-hegeh!

i remembered a colleague commented about me where she doesn't mind if i become her perceptee. fast learner, she said. hahahhaa. you should see me parallel park, then you'll see how slow i can be. hehe.

i am very determine to finish this up.

i need to lie down before i go for class. so sleepy.

if TC Tan makes my life difficult tomorrow and start nagging even before it is 0900 hrs, i am going to make the hell out of him. i am going to smirk and laugh when he starts nagging or scolding. i'll make sure i step on his feet under the table. tak boleh kasi muka kat si dia ini. Insya'allah, he is okey tomorrow. just in case he isn't.

2009-01-31T17:39:00.000-08:00

last night, i went home with Riz. Riz, as i know is the happy-go-lucky kind. you hardly see her moody or emotional. however, last evening, i was rather shocked to see her not being her usual. we told one another what we are going through lately. lately, i find it difficult to control my emotions. i breakdown easily. while waiting for the bus, i cried in front of Riz and many people. i am so sorry and embarrassed. if i could have control myself better, i won't cry especially for the same reason.

despite what i am going through, i am so glad that working is more or less stable not like when i first came. kecoh sikit. mana nak belajar, mana nak melayan. thus, i need to know when i am going to go over. i've got to prepare myself. i cannot work in major ot like the state i am in right now. i will make the hell out of my career. i never want that to happen.

i want to go Riyadh. if i am given the opportunity to go on HMDP, i will go now. i'll pack and go. if i am chosen to care for the ill in Gaza Strip, i'll go too. if i am chosen to go on medical mission in China or India, i'll go too. that is how desperate i want to leave this place for awhile. yes. call it an escape route. i want an escape. i don't want to face this anymore. this is killing me. if i am told to come back to work right now, i'll go. somehow, sometimes, i enjoy the operation even though i have to stand for hours. especially with great teamwork and great surgeons around.

i wish i am feeling better. i never thought i could breakdown this worst. i never thought i would be begging. i never thought i could be this vulnerable and weak. i never thought i would lose all my confidence and self esteem in one night. sometimes, i yearn for an answer. sometimes, i feel that i had enough and i don't want to listen to anything anymore.

i need a break. its about time.

"i cant promise u the kind of lifestyle that she can give u, n i cant promise u i can mature overnight.. but i can promise u tat i will always love u and i will never try to change u into someting that ur not.."

kumar patel~

2009-01-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

i am glad that i have enjoyed myself during operation. i am serious. the surgery took 3 hours only. hehe. the team plays an important role, aiyah, like i always say. we had good music to keep us company where Violet kept singing, Timothy dance and Dr Richard sang. the students enjoyed themselves too. what brings us on is Bon Jovi's song, It's my life! during the last few stitches, Dr Lee said, 'put Bon Jovi on again!' hehehe. blaaaasssttt itttt!!

i used to hate plastics surgeries because they always take a longer time to wrap it up but, somehow, lately after some exposure in plastics discipline, i find it okey.

although Violet and i planned out that i will scrub up first and she will take over me later, i ended up finishing the case and she washed half of my instruments! hehe. gonna miss Violet.

in fact, i am going to miss a lot of people here in dsot.

i read this on somewhere and i am very touched by his writings.

—–My kind of girl—

"dear, u dont have to impress me wif ur fancy new silky clothes, u dont have to put on high heels or stilletos, wash ur make up away girl, n dont be a fake, i will love u jus as much baby, u dont have to bathe urself in sweet flowery perfume, or wear those fancy jewels n branded bags, no no.. its ur personality that sweeps me away, ur character, ur intelligence that captivates me, i jus need ur sweet smile to cure my pains away, i jus need ur sincere warm hug to assure me that its all okay.. accept me for who i am girl n i will give the world to u.. this i promise u.."

thank you for the wonderful day. =)

2009-01-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

i badly wanted a day of annual leave tomorrow. looking at my condition, i badly need a day off from work, people, my surgeons, blades, scissors and drugs. i am just wondering, we are so lack of staff here and when will i ever get transferred?sigh.

whenever i looked at Miya, it is as though i see the photocopy of me so, is likewise. after operation, we are as though baru balik perang! i am really not in a good shape that is all i can say.

i am assigned to theatre 8 where it is going to be a 4hrs 30mins surgery. i hate those patients who come for tummy tuck, lipectomy, liposuction unnecessarily. dah macam full renovation. i am so sorry. i am in a foul mood. but, i've really got to say this, bila makan tak berjaga-jaga. some that i know can come for liposuction every year! i will make my day better if i put on my surgical stockings tomorrow. i guess, i am mentally drain that is the reason why i am physically exhausted.

i have been taking care of my parents closely lately. their cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar intake, eye health because you know as people age, there is cataract to worry. osteoporosis to take care. so much about my grumbles, i am fortunate that i am a nurse today. i am like a reference book to the family sometimes. i just want to make everyone happy. i really do.

i can't stoop any lower. you made me feel so helpless.

2009-01-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

i was rummaging through some concept about life. i kept silence because there are many things i cannot express in words. i am speechless. i call this early life crisis.

i am searching. i am in search for many answers in my life which sometimes, some things are best unknown. i do not have strength to face many obstacles. in fact, i don't even want to know certain things because i know my limits.

i was doing good before i learnt about certain things which bothers me so much when i was at work. usually, once, we started draping, i am into the surgery. i hardly dream doing surgery even when i am circulating. i am not proud of myself, but, this is just how i work. however, today is so different. i came very early, but, my heart is not there. my mind is not there but, i am physically there. i was trying very hard to concentrate. today, i learnt the importance of concentration in surgery.

i know this man whom i regard as an elder brother. i respect him and i am impressed with his experience in life. he said, 'Ifa, takut hanya pada Allah. kalau Ifa rasa ada sesuatu yang berkuasa terhadap diri Ifa, ketahui bahawa Allah itu lebih berkuasa. jangan minta selain Dia.'

Ya Allah, selamat kan keluargaku, diriku, pekerjaanku, perjalanan hidupku, aqidahku, imanku, seorang yang akan menjadi hak milik mutlakku dan umat Islam daripada segala malapetaka.

it is already a year. give me the strength to sail. i am ready for a big sail. jangan biarkan aku mengharap pada yang bukan hak ku.

i still want to go Riyadh. let me go Riyadh. only God can decide likewise for me.

2009-01-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

Ahmad should have told me. he should have INFORMED me. no no no no no no no no no. no reasons that we haven't been meeting for months because i am not going to buy it! hah. neither, when you ask me for starbucks lately but, i couldn't. i won't buy that either! you can always call me, you monster! CALL. i may not answer peoples' calls during working hours but, i return calls especially when it reads, Ahmad Syukri!

anyway dude, good luck. see you on the yeah. you know what i mean. =)

2009-01-26T09:49:00.000-08:00

i told Miya i need a break. she is so supportive which took me by surprise. see, never underestimate people. =) i told her, 'Mi, there is someone who wants to get to know me. i don't feel i want to.' 'that is it with you. you never give yourself chances. did you reply him?' 'no.' 'why?' 'i don't want. i cannot. i feel funny. i don't like it. this person is definitely wasting his time. i am not the best person for anyone to get to know.' 'what??' ok. i don't want to continue this here.

i never know this song is so powerful. the lyrics and the beat are superb. it gives me an extra energy to bring it on. hehe. Winny, this song is definitely for you too. =)

it is definitely simpler to scrub for an open heart surgery than fixing a broken heart. even the Johnson & Johnson system cannot hold the heart together. heh.

my favourite part..

Ya azizi is mahiri

I really don't want to see you cry

Mujko samjho dil peh mat lo

Don't wana see another tears in your eyes.

Baby break away (break away break away)

Let him go

I don't know what he's done to you

But I know that is time to move on

Girl your love is blind

my brother and sister is tuning to this song at home. all time favourite. =)

okey.. got to go

got to introduce this song to Dr Ben. hehe.

2009-01-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

I see you all the time
Never see you smile
I try to picture what's going on in your mind
He leaves you every night by yourself
He took your love and put it on the shelf
He doesn't really care how you feel...
You should be moving on girl what's the deal?
I wana see you out that door... cuz girl you know your worth much more

So baby tell me why you stick around
Always lonely and you only wear a frown
He don't treat you good and you know
The only thing left is for you to go
You shouldn't live a lie with someone
When deep inside you know he ain't the one
I don't know what to say no more
I wana see you out that door

Yah azizi (yo precious) is mahiri
I really don't wanna see u cry
Mujko samjho dil peh mat lo (understand me don't take it to heart)
Don't wana see another tear in your eye
Baby break away
Let him go
I don't know he's done to you
But I know that it's time to move on
Girl your is love blind

Girl I understand
That you're scared
And you feel that you might never love again
But baby that ain't true
No no no
I know that there some there for you
Someone that will see
That you are worth
An undiscovered treasure on this earth
Girl you know your worth so much more
Wana see you out that door

very meaningful song. i love this song.

2009-01-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

yesterday was awesome. i woke up at 0445 hrs. ring up Miya. hit the bathroom. we wanted to surprise Winny with the presence of Miya but, i kept telling her, 'us.. we.. ours..' you see, i am never good at this. i told Mardia i wanted to surprise her and i got a blast from Sara. hehe.

after too many accidental 'us.. ours.. we, i decided to tell her that i was with someone and i said i was with my bf.' she believed and said, 'i want to see him.' hehee.

when i saw her i went, Oh my God. what happened? she is so skinny like me. i am serious. she have braces on as well. after the hugs, i asked her if it is her braces or that guy that makes you lose appetite. she said, 'him.' 'let's go to US!' Miya claimed.

sigh.

if i knew that she hasn't been eating, i will drag her to dinner with me everyday. when you come back, we have the unwind session please. i am going to make you finish your food too. when i broke up, i ate pizza every week. i gain weight after i broke up. i was very skinny just before breakup. i was suffering and it was fasting month. heh.

Winny, if you're reading this, i need to see you in better shape please. it hurts to see you this way. you know how you always tell me to be happy because i should be. when i am sad, he won't care about me but, it is only me who felt it. you must do the same. we'll find a better man. i am sure.

i watched Bride wars yesterday and the only person i think of is Winny. =)

i am going somewhere tonight in hope to have a peaceful time alone and not see anyone i know. just sometime alone. i need that.

good day and happy holiday you guys. =)

2009-01-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

i went into this particular make up shop with Miya. since, this is my first time for the product, i was told to sit on a chair while he makeup for me. HE. yes he. he is superb. i was reluctant at first when he wanted to remove my old makeup because i am not comfortable with a HE touching my face plus, i was embarrass when he tear down my makeup he will see my original skin. =)

i like the way he did it. fabulous. he made me feel beautiful. heh. andd, i like the smell of him too. haha. im serious. he smells good. i am sorry. i like smelling people. only nice ones. hehe. weirdo.

i get back soon for more ;)

2009-01-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

if day surgery is full house today. i bet major ot will be too. all of us were tired. it is mad house in theatre 5 today. all the theatres are practically doing hand cases. 3/4 of hand department is in day surgery, operating. on top of that, Sister accepted A&E P1 case where patient is brought up straight from A&E. 5 minutes later, Dr Timothy came running into theatre. =) the case is a concurrent of plastics and hand surgery.

happening Friday. especially, when 1/4 of the staff is not around.

i salute the 2 Sisters in charge today. despite the overloading cases with minimum staffing, we all whack everything by 1630 hrs. they came into all the theatres and help. when i sound out about the external fixation set that Dr Tan wants to use from major ot and there are not a single porter around, she took care of it very well. the moment, i was scrubbed up, the ext fix is there. when i told her, 'Sister, there is another problem, none of the girls in theatre 5 knows how to use the ext fix. i need help.' 'okey. get Yap to come in.' the next moment, after i prepare my trolley, she was there helping me circulate. she is superb. although, she nags and always want us to listen to her, she is always there to help us. she scrubbed up when we need an extra pair of hand. Sister Wendy Yam. =)

i know i will miss you very much.

everyone work hard today. right from reception to tssu, who non stop prepare extra loads for us to cook our instruments.

i am grateful for the dynamic teamwork.

day surgery operating theatre. the place, i will never forget. i always call dsot my base.

thank you Allah for planning my life this way.

2009-01-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

lets wrap it up. wrap it up. wrap it up.

I feel good today. i really do. Alhamdulilah.

remember the particular surgeon who shouted at me when i was brand new and the other theatre probably heard him...?

he complimented me today. =) i am very surprised. very surprised. after the case, he asked my senior nurse about me. he said i am Janet's disciple! for everyone's information, Janet is the best scrub nurse in dsot according to me and many others. i am definitely nothing compared to Janet. Janet is so experienced, so calm, so steady, so cool in facing all types of surgery. she does cardio surgery before by the way. everyone likes her. i am nothing. i really am. when i assisted him this morning, my hands are shaking because, he is so so fast, extremely impatient and i am just afraid i can't meet up with his speed. Alhamdulilah, everything went well. i am thankful to God.

it feels good to be appreciated especially from a surgeon who once told me off. i am glad he sees my capability today and he don't think of me as a 'cannot make it nurse'. i've mention this a few times, if anyone sees my potential, let me fly. help me fly.

this reminds me of one person who broke my heart. he once told me, 'i believe you can do almost everything.' over the years, somehow, i believe in those words and i live with it. thank you for instilling this to my thick skull. :) just for my own comfort, not bragging, i know i can do many things especially without you. over this time, i have very much proven it to myself. Alhamdulilah.

thus, i still believe that Riyadh is where i will be.

jauhkan diri ini daripada takabbur, ya Allah.

i had my night drive two days ago. my instructor is well known for his fierceness. i was so tired and i was on my feet the whole day that day. come on, it is 2200 hrs. somehow, i made him laugh and he was at ease. so was i. he introduced me to the driving orientation, the one after completion. however, he claimed that it would be just waste of money. he said if i am married, i can ask my husband to sit next to me. i said, 'saya tak kahwin lagi.' 'atau boyfriend ke?' 'saya tak ada boyfriend.' i smiled. 'aik. jambu macam ini, tak ada boyfriend?' 'tak jambu sangat rasanya.' we laughed. that, made my day. =)

i've decided who i wanted to be with me on my first drive without my driving instructor. who else could this person be. this person is definitely the neighbour. =) or, it could be, come on Ahmad, let's gear up.. =) Ahmad mesti nak pakai 2 seatbelts. heheh.

good night.

thank you, Dr S Chang. =)

2009-01-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

tomorrow, we have a 5 hours plastics surgery on a young man. quite an interesting and exciting surgery. however, i will only be in that particular theatre only in the afternoon. today have been quite quiet and that is always the case nearing season holidays which is good, so that i can start my thesis at ease without being in a state of too tired to think.

see, i am telling you.. there is something in that smile. that pair of eyes that i like to look at. his knowledge that i always admire. i like to look at him when he speaks because, he will make faces. at least, i am glad that he look at me when he speaks. that dimple, i will never forget. his values that i have very much fallen for. i can't believe that i have all these feelings to another man after all that i've been through. pelihara lah aqidah kami.

2009-01-17T12:18:00.000-08:00

i love them. gorgeous. andd, i love Marley and me. =)

2009-01-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

i apologised. =)

i promised to be more patient and understanding.

i drove a new car. very very very smooth. but, very very very sensitive. he always said, 'ok, nyanyi satu lagu sekarang.' hehe. as i am near completion, i am worried. eh, boleh ke tak boleh ni. but, i am cool. no stress.

i assisted Dr Asim's open herniarraphy with no assistant today. he said i am an important person and he accommodated to my shortness during operation by insisting the table not to be pumped up. i am honoured. =) however, when i see him bending over, i told him that i do not mind climbing on the stool. he claimed that i am assisting him well but, i am not treating him well. ;P cis!

some people kept reminding me that when i go over, never change. change in attitude aspect. always be humble. control the temper and be more patient to others. Insya'allah. semoga Allah sentiasa memelihara.

ALL THE TIME, my weakness is, whenever, i did something not right or i hurt others, i never fail to feel guilty after that and you will find me apologising in the morning time. =) sounds very familiar.

i am a little sad lately. sad to leave the department. lots of memories. lots of ups and downs. more laughters but, never a cry. i am thankful to the senior nurses and my professors who taught me from holding an artery to holding a camera for laparoscopic surgeries. letting me participate in removal of simple implants and simple suturing. how is life like in major theatre i always wonder..

at work, they started out this weird way of calling my name saying they won't have the chance to call my name anymore later. =) so cute, but very disturbing. hehe.

yesterday, i assisted a less favourite surgeon. very impatient man. yesterday, he pricked his finger. i quickly turned and asked, 'are you okey? do you want a change of gloves? can we wash your hand with spirit?' i hated him for awhile because when he shouted at me when i was brand new, everyone turned to me. theatre sebelah pun boleh dengar. it was embarrassing if you ask. looking at how i have reacted, i can't believe i can do this bit here. drop the hatred and be more concern when people i hate or hated are in trouble. andd, i did not say 'padan muka' heheh.

life definitely goes on and i am moving on just the same. however, slowly but eventually.

2009-01-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

i am aching to the bones again. theatre is a little busy lately but, sometimes i prefer it busy so that i can distract myself. if Janet did not call me back to theatre 8, i would probably volunteer to scrub for orbital orif. crazy hur..? i don't know the mindset is to work to get this something off my mind for awhile perhaps forever with no means of recurrence.

i need to go for a long walk or a run.

honestly, i felt guilty today that i have been harsh on a 3 months old scrub nurse. i told her, 'blah blah, you must bring in the next patient. you cannot let them wait. there must be a flow. this is wasting of theatre time.' instantly, her face changed. so, i told her to go for lunch while i take care of the rest. the next minute, Ain came and said, 'kakak bukan main marah tadi.' sigh. i don't want to be like that person. that person that raised her voice at her yesterday.

i should have been more understanding that she is still in her adapting period. she is probably missing her family or her bf back home. sigh. i should have been more patient and understanding towards her. if i am in UAE right now, i am probably like her. who knows... or worst.

i must apologise tomorrow. if tomorrow never comes for me, if you happen to google my name and saw my ugly website, i just wanna say sorry.

perhaps, i should help her now before i leave. she probably need some encouragement. kadang tengok dia memang kesiannya dia ni. kadang, haizz, apasal kau macam ni.

i'm so sorry.

2009-01-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

i had a conversation with the new mummy about pregnancy and delivery. i was taken a back when she showed me her stomach, caesarean scar and stretch marks. she felt that the breasts start to sag too. Ishh. its definitely not now for me. not now. not now. not now. i would want to experience all that but, NOT NOW. sagging breasts, stretch marks, sagging stomach. oh my!

varicose veins make me half insane what more all of the above. however, she said whenever she look at her baby, all that means nothing. the pain, the heaviness, the sleepless nights.. so, i asked, 'how do you feel when you look at your husband then?' 'more pain.' hahaha. 'just kidding. he have been a supportive husband.' =) good to hear. she said, 'i want to see how you look like when you get pregnant. i wonder if you can walk as fast.' hehe. i can walk fast because i feel light.

afterall, it is not about 'when' but 'if'. =) Kak Siti said, 'eh! no pregnant2. belum kahwin. no pregnancy out of wedlock!' yes. Insya'allah. Abg Roslie selalu cakap, 'Ifa, kalau cerewet2 tak kahwin.' it is not about cerewet. this is about finding a suitable, RIGHT man for me. i am not the materalistic kind that expect a BMW or an African Twin or a drop dead gorgeous man because, i can have my own damn car. i just don't want to marry a doctor. aik! aku oncall, dia pun oncall jugak. most important, just don't hurt me anymore whoever you are.

a simple man who have dreams, who knows what he wants, who is responsible to his family and me, who is financially stable, who understands, who is religious, who can correct my wrong doings, whom i can look at everyday and who allows me to go to work. i don't want to be a home maker.

i told Farz, 'eh, kau kan yang nak kahwin bulan 4. selamat lah kau. aku lama lagi.' heheh. 'IFFFAA!'

hehehehhee.

it scares me a little. but, i am not that worried because of my current status. =)

2009-01-13T18:15:00.000-08:00

i have been having sleepless night. i was tired and sleepy but, somehow, i just feel like as though i never close my eyes. so when the morning comes, i went, 'huh. dah subuh ke? macam baru tertidur.'

when the school reopens, as usual, the traffic is busy, that is why, i never like to go on leaves during school holidays because that is the only time, the road is clear. i never have to worry about being late for work. this morning, i was rather on the dot. i have planned to reach work earlier because i wanted a thorough preparation for the 3hrs surgery. it was mid face lift and bilateral canthopexy which i have volunteered to assist for. since, the rumours have it all, i better start practising more plastics surgeries. soon after i unscrubbed, my hands itch like no other. it was red and look inflammed but, it is not. so, this is it. goodbye powdered gloves!

it went well and right now, i just want to sleep and hang my legs. good night. adious. don't disturb.

by the way, surgery is becoming more exciting and interesting for me. Alhamdulilah.

2009-01-11T18:22:00.000-08:00

Winny and i had a great time with the talking with the amount of food yesterday. well, today may just be the talking but, the future will unfold it's destiny. hence, we will soon know.

i brought up working overseas to her. the first thing she said is, 'the middle east??' 'no. probably Australia or somewhere.' she is interested in London instead. London is good. i am okey. however, nothing beats middle east for me. Riyadh, UAE, Dubai. but, i am cool either ways. like i said today may just be the talking. we have planned out our short term goals. do our bachelors here and work overseas when it is permeable. because, we do not know who we will meet 6 months or a year down the road. when people are busy saving up for the weddings, we are busy saving up for the visas. =)

overseas may be a good opportunity for me to explore more about myself, career and the surroundings. i would say it is a good getaway. whenever, i mention about getaway, i could hear panget words screaming to my ears. 'do it for the right reasons!' i am doing this for myself besides other factors.

i called up my insurance agent if they have coverage for the overseas. they said NO. what a shame.

i'll finish up diploma pengajian Islam and do a degree here and i will be on the move. after that, i won't care about what people got to say to me about anything anymore. i have been thinking and worried about peoples' feelings and future too much that i think i should start thinking about myself and my future.

Winny is doing excellent. i am very proud of her. she managed to do this one thing i can never do without feeling upset or guilty after that. i usually cry after that but, she did not! i am happy for you. she began ranting about some perspectives that never occur to me a month after i broke up but, she sees it all in great details. good.

see, who said women cannot live without man? we sure can. i never date man that i don't know very well after i broke up. because i am not comfortable. especially those who rides and expect me to sit on their bikes. the answer is NO. i pick and choose my man. so, if i ever asked any man out is because i am okey with you. lately, on and off, i only meet Ahmad for coffee. i am comfortable with him mainly because he respect me. although Ahmad is single, he never whine to me about being single and depress about being single like some man i know. cool and tak kisah lah apa nak jadi, jadi ah. i always tell him that when i got a car of my own, i drive him around. =)

i promise Winny that i send her to the airport on the 24th. hmm, what will i do after that in that early morning..... well, i could stay there for awhile after that, bring the macbook, talk to myself, use the webcam, get to know the guy that sat next to me, smile at the next gorgeous man i see, day dream, look into the mirror, straighten the tudung, read a book, people watching, maybe shopping. =P